Minor Dilemmas
by Mysterious Penname
Summary: DISCONTINUED. Sequel to Minor Annoyances. Light and L have been living sort of peacefully for a couple of years, when a required visit to a certain orphanage shakes things up again. Poor guys. AU, OOC!Light, Shounen-ai
1. Airport

A/N: Well, here we go

A/N: Well, here we go. Hold on tight, guys, and please keep your arms and legs inside the CrackMobile at all times.

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

"Whyyyyy-"

It was unbelievable.

"yyyyyyyy-"

Unconscionable.

"yyyyyyyy-"

Downright unthinkable.

"yyyyyyyy?"

They were _actually_ doing this.

L slammed a pair of jeans down in his suitcase and pinned his lover with a burning glare. "Quiet, Light! And wear something other than those little shorts, you will freeze."

"But I don't _want_ to go to England!" Light whined, trying and failing to zip his suitcase up. "And the zipper won't work!"

"Nobody ever wants to go anywhere, but it happens anyway," L said. After a moment, he blinked at his own response and shook his head, continuing with his packing. He sighed when he noticed the smirk Light was sending his way.

"Heehee, that didn't make any sense, birdbrain!"

"Do not call me a birdbrain," L droned. "You are rude."

"_You're_ rude! You're the one who won't help me with my zipper!" The brunette protested. Then, with a sudden idea, he jumped up onto his suitcase and sat on it. "Here, zip it now."

With a last look around their (not-so-modestly sized) bedroom to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything, L turned to Light and reached around to tug the zipper closed on the "Fab Fire Engine Red" designer suitcase.

"Owie!"

"Do not screech in my ear, Light!"

"You zipped my _skin_ in it, Ryuu!" Light lifted his leg up and showed L a large bruise on the bottom of his thigh.

"That is not from the zipper, Light," L muttered, pulling Light off of the suitcase and moving in close to his ear. "It is a hickey."

"What?!" Light exclaimed. "Oh no, that's not good! That's…It's all your fault! Give me a pair of your jeans!"

L would have raised an eyebrow, if he had one. "Why does Light-kun want _my_ jeans?"

"Because my pants are buried at the bottom of my suitcase, and I'll be damned if I'm going to dig through it because of your inability to control yourself."

"…Alright."

Going to England had not been L's idea, nor had it been Light's. After living freely together for two years, L being himself and Light being his assistant (better known as "Q"), they were world-renowned as being _the_ detective superstars, the one who had gotten rid of Kira.

But that wasn't why they were being sent to Wammy's House in England. No, they were being forced to go there by the obviously-more-than-friends-but-trying-to-hide-it team of Watari and Roger, so L could pick out who would be his heir.

Light had vocalized his unwillingness to go, claiming that "those little bastards weren't even fit to be the heirs to a pickle farm, let alone a multinational detective agency." After receiving a very long and very thorough lecture from L about how pickle farmers actually had to do quite a bit of work, Light conceded and decided to accompany his partner to England.

But he wasn't going without a good whine first.

"Ryuu, come _on_, my pants are falling off, I'm tired, and my thigh hurts. Can't we wait until…some other time to do this?"

L shifted forward in the airport security line and shook his head. "No, Light-kun. This is more than necessary; I am overdue."

"Fine…Oh, isn't _that_ the first class line?" Light pointed to a line next to them that only had one other person in it. "We should go there."

"Good thinking." They ducked under the elastic divider and went up to the security man.

"Boarding passes and I.D's," the guy grunted.

Light took everything out of his pocket and handed it to the man, who snorted.

"You guys ain't first class. Get back in the other line."

"What?" L asked, snatching the papers back and scanning them. "Coach? I don't fly coach!"

"Come on, Ryuu-" Light said quietly, grabbing their suitcases and hauling them back toward the other line. "We can just-"

"There is a mistake here, sir," L ground out. "We do not fly coach, and-"

"Buddy, look: You're in coach, first class is almost filled up for that flight, and there ain't _nothin'_ anyone can do about it," the guard explained condescendingly. "Go back in your line."

"Okay, listen to me. The-"

As L went off at the guard, Light rolled his eyes and went back to their place in line. He was about to go back under the divider when the woman who had been behind him held her hand up.

"Oh no," she said. "You two got out of line. That means," she gestured back toward the never-ending string of people weaving through the airport, "you get in the back."

"B-But this is our spot," Light stuttered out. "We were _just here_."

"I don't care. Go to the back, line-cutter."

"I'm no cutter!" Light began raising his voice, and it echoed above the others' in the large domed building. "You are an inconsiderate-"

"Guard!" the lady yelled to a nearby security man. "Guard, this man is trying to cut in front of me! He's an agitator!"

Light took one look at the burly man heading toward him and paled considerably. "Um…Okay, I'll get in the back of the line. Okay," he said, picking the bags up again. "I didn't mean to cause any trouble."

"Get in line, punk."

"Yes, sir!"

A while later, L, after losing the argument for the fifth time, decided to quit while he still had energy and get back in line.

Wait. Where was Light?

"Light, why do you always disappear?" L whispered, nibbling on his thumb as he scanned the line. Finally, he spotted the bright red suitcase and smashed through a few rows of people to get to the younger man.

"Did you get it?" Light asked, once L stood next to him.

"No."

"Well, why didn't we get first class?"

"I don't know. Dammit, Watari!" L sighed and dug around in his pockets for a gummy bear. "Watari got us the wrong tickets, and I am low on sugar. I am not in a happy place, Light-kun."

"Hey, one more question," Light continued with a little grin. "Why did you get so weird about not flying in first class?"

"Coach is stuffy and uncomfortable."

"…You're a spoiled brat, Ryuu."

"Hmph."

They stood in comfortable silence for the next fifteen minutes, until L decided we wanted to play some checkers.

"Checkers, Light-kun. I am red, you move first."

"Fine. C3 to D4"

"C5 to D6."

"C5 to D6."

"Jump."

After seven games (four of which Light won), they made it up to the security checkpoint. L, surprisingly, got through without any issues. Light, however…

_Beeep! Beeep!_

"Empty out your pockets, sir."

Light sighed and dug around through the pockets of L's jeans. He nearly gagged when his hand his something sticky, and pulled out a giant, melted gob of gummy worms, decorated with Hershey kisses.

"Eew!" he squeaked. "Gross. What do you want me to do with this?" He held up the monstrosity.

"Put it in this trash bin," a security woman said, wrinkling her nose. "It was the foil from the chocolates that made the alarm go off."

"You need to clean out your pants, Ryuu!" Light hissed as he passed through the metal detector a second time, this time successfully. "I almost threw up!"

"Mm, sorry," L said through a mouthful of gumdrops. "I'll try to do that in the future."

Light ignored the spit and sprinkles that bombarded his face and grabbed his bag. "Right. Come on, let's go find out gate number."

"Mmhmm."

It turned out that their gate was very close to them, and Light let L settle down before venturing off to find some chips.

"I'll be right back , Ryuu."

"Do not get lost."

Light rolled his eyes and went trekking off, and L flipped his cell phone open to check his messages.

**You have three new text messages:**

**1. L, when will you get here? N is bragging about being number one again!**

**2. L, please arrive soon. M and N are killing each other.**

**3. L, please do something about M; he set my blocks on fire.**

"Alright." L snapped the phone shut and pulled out a chocolate bar. "Enough of that." Just when he was beginning to enjoy his candy, Light came back and shoved a chip bag in his face.

"Look! Salt and Onion!"

"I hope Light-kun also purchased gum."

Light, offended, huffed and leaned back. "Well, choco-breath isn't the most appealing thing, either," he snapped, taking a chip and eating it. "Mm, onion-y."

They sat there and ate their snacks for quite some time, both dreading the moment they'd have to get into the plane. Light looked down at a printout of the layout of the plane and located his seat. There were three main sections in the plane: Two rows of seats on one side, four rows in the middle, and two on the other side. He looked at the tickets and saw that he and L would have one stranger on either side of them.

_I'm going to have to be on the lookout. If there is a nasty person, it's every man for himself._ Light looked at L and smiled hugely. _Ryuu can sit next to the gross person._

L grinned back. _If there is anyone unpleasant on this plane, Light will sit next to him or her. He can handle it. But he may be thinking the same thing. He will want to get on first, and his seat is closer to where we will board, therefore he will get the better seat._

Light finished his chips and leaned over to give L a tiny kiss on the cheek. _Ha! He knows that he is at a disadvantage, as I have the shortest walking distance to the plane. I will be ahead of him, and with his shuffling,_ Light held back a snort, _there's no way he'll keep up with my toned legs. I've been power-walking for over a year now, every single day._

"Light-kun is very affectionate," L murmured.

_There is only one way to go about this,_ L figured. _It is risky, but it just might work…_

The two kept plotting against one another until their flight was finally called for boarding. Light immediately hopped out of his seat and grabbed his bag, supposedly leaving L in the dust. That was, until L suddenly appeared beside him.

"Oh, Light-kun," L scolded. "Light-kun should not carry his heavy bag! Give it to me, I am more physically able to handle it." Without waiting for an answer, L grabbed Light's suitcase and hauled it down the hall way and up to the plane door.

"Wait, you shouldn't carry both of ours…"

"Oh, that is correct. You may carry mine." Still maintaining his pace, L let his suitcase drop and effectively ditched Light.

_I am such a genius._ The detective handed over his boarding pass and leisurely stowed the luggage before scoping out the seating arrangement: On one side was a normal-looking woman, and on the other was a man who looked like he was drowning in his own filth.

Not a hard decision.

L planted himself down next to the woman and she gave him a polite smile.

"Hello," she said softly. "Why would you be going to England?"

The black-haired man felt himself blush a tiny bit and he shifted around. "Oh, to see some relatives," he lied easily. "And you?"

"To see a doctor that specializes in what I need."

"Oh? What for, if I may ask?"

"I have a case of lice that hasn't gone away from over a year."

"…"

Meanwhile, Light smirked as he was led to the upstairs section of the plane and seated in a plush, leather seat.

Yes, charming the flight attendant and getting an upgrade for him and everyone in his party wasn't so hard. And what a _pity_ his party seemed to be in such a rush to sit in coach.

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

A/N: Alright, phase two! Let's do this!

**L: "I eat reviews for breakfast."**

**Light: "Please feed the panda, and leave a review."**

Up next: Flying


	2. Airplane

"…so then I went to Malaysia to access a new fruit-based treatment there, but the little buggers kept persisting! So here I am, going to London. I hope the doctor will-"

"That is all very interesting," L forced out, leaning as far away as possible from the lice lady and actually crossing his legs, "but I think we should listen to what the flight attendants are telling us about the safety features." He couldn't stop himself form reaching up and compulsively scratching his head.

And…Just where was Light?! L craned his neck around, but didn't catch sight of the other man anywhere. Oh well, he had probably just gone to the bathroom or something.

"Sir? Will you please buckle your seatbelt?"

L looked up and saw a flight attendant leaning over toward him. "Oh, yes. And…do you think you could locate someone for me? He is supposed to be on this flight, and I have lost sight of him," the detective requested. "His name is Light Yagami."

The attendant nodded. "Do you think he's in the bathroom, sir?" she asked politely.

"I don't know." L felt himself getting a bit concerned. If Light hadn't made it on this flight, then he would be stranded in the airport. And L knew Light didn't have his cell phone with him, not that the detective could turn his own on in the plane…

"What does he look like?"

L blinked at the woman. "Well, he has brown hair, he's Japanese…he's twenty, dresses like a prude, struts around like a peacock-"

"Alright," she interrupted. "I'll go look for his name on the passenger list. Just a moment."

"Thank you." L sat back and glanced at the empty seat next to him.

Where could Light be?

DNDNDNDN

"Oh, darling? Yes, why don't you come and fill up my glass…What the hell, just bring the whole bottle over here."

"Yes, sir."

To say that Light was having a good time in first class was an understatement.

"Sir?"

Light, with a cocky grin plastered on his face, looked up at the attendant who had just come up the stairs. "What is it?"

"There's someone downstairs looking for you."

"Oh." Light frowned. "Does he have big, black, poofy hair, really pale skin, and," Light lowered his voice to an L-like monotone, "does he talk like this?"

"Yes."

"Tell him that I send my regards."

DNDNDNDN

"He sends his _regards?!_ And how did he get up into first class?"

"I don't know." The woman crossed her arms and huffed at L. "I really have to be going now, sir."

"Very well." L watched the lady walk away and cringed when he felt his ears pop from the altitude increasing. "Ouch."

"Anyway!" the lice lady continued, leaning over towards him, "_you_ are one of the nicest men I've ever met."

"Why, thank you." L cleared his throat and shifted away from her.

"Are you taken? It'd be a shame if you weren't."

"I am in a relationship."

"That's what I thought. What's her name?" the woman inquired nosily.

"Um…I really should go up to first class," L muttered, more to himself than to the lady. "I'll be back in a moment."

"Okay, hurry back!"

L got up and moved past her, trying to ignore the groping he received in the process, and shuffled down the aisle to get to the stairs. There was a man with a clipboard standing at the foot of the staircase, and he held out an arm to stop L from proceeding upwards.

"Name, sir?"

"I need to go have a chat with Light Yagami," L said.

"What is _your_ name, sir? Are you in first class?" the man pressed.

"No, but I need to go up there."

"You cannot." The man lowered his clipboard to peer down at L. "Please go sit back in your section."

L, pursing his lips together, stepped closer to the guy. "I need to speak to him concerning a topic which I am most unprepared to mention in front of you. It is of utmost importance to several pivotal business matters in London. If you do not move, then he will be most displeased at having to come down into coach and speak to me there," L said, speeding up his rambling to make it sound realistic. "And you do not want to face him when he is angry."

The man moved back and almost tripped over his own feet, feeling more than a little frightened of this strange, pale man hunched over in front of him. "W-well," he sputtered out, "could you tell me your name, sir, and I will go up and see if it is okay with him?"

"Tell him that the panda wishes to have a word with him."

"Right away, sir!"

Once the man went rushing up the stairs, L calmed his temper and looked around the plane. Right near him was a food cart with some peanut bags on it, so he snagged one and stuffed it into his pocket for later. Peanuts were better than no food at all, and since Light had thrown away that melted gob of gummies, L didn't have much to snack on.

"Sir, he is ready for you."

L turned back around and walked past the clipboard man and up the stairs, immediately spotting Light once he got to the top. "Light-kun!"

Light was sitting in the front seat, pillows surrounding him, wine in hand, and watching some kind of documentary on his miniature television. "Hello, Ryuu…" he said quietly.

"Light-kun will feel my wrath at leaving me with the lice woman!"

"Don't be like that-"

L leaned down into Light's face. "The woman next to me has lice, and the man one seat away from me cannot control his bodily gasses." He looked around at the first-class people and scowled back down at Light. "I see you have no such problems up here."

"…Would you like a cookie?" Light held up a basket of chocolate chip cookies as a peace offering.

"I will take the cookies." L grabbed the whole basket and reached down for Light's wine. After taking a healthy swig of it, he slammed the glass back down and pinched Light's ear.

"Ouch!"

"I will return." With that, L went slouching back down the stairs and back to his seat, cooking in hand.

"Ooh, cookies!" The live lady took the liberty of eating one of L's treats the moment he sat back down. "So, who did you have to see?"

"My insignificant other." L crammed an entire cookie into his mouth and reached forward to turn on his mini-TV, which was built in to the seat in front of him.

"So, what's her name? Is she pretty? What does she do?"

"His name is Light. He is not pretty. He follows me around like a dog."

L glanced to the side and saw the woman's face light up. "Oh, you swing _that_ way? I understand now!"

"Goody." L let his sarcasm seep into his answer, but the lady still didn't catch on.

"Hey, buddy, you wanna give me one of those?"

L looked over at the man seated near him and blinked. "What?"

"Give me a cookie." The guy held out a hand and raised an eyebrow. "Come on."

"Okay." L plucked a tiny, warped cookie from the bottom of his basket and dropped it into the man's hand. "Enjoy," he said blandly, turning back to his TV. He plugged his headphones in, pushed a few buttons and ended up on a soap opera.

This was going to be a long flight.

DNDNDNDN

"Sir? Would you like some peanuts?"

It was two hours into the flight, and the attendants were finally handing out some food. L sat up and watched as the man next to him tore into his tiny peanut bag.

"And you, ma'am?"

L frowned. Why had the steward skipped over him?

The lice lady grabbed her peanuts and the attendant began to move away, but L stopped him.

"Excuse me?" he asked. "Don't I get some peanuts as well?"

"Sir, you've already had your peanuts."

"What?"

"I saw you take some from my cart earlier." The man crossed his arms and gave L a snide look. "So you've had your share of the nuts."

L glared up at the man and began chewing on his thumb. The steward walked away smugly.

"Here."

The lice woman handed him a single peanut. He stared at it.

"…Thank you."

DNDNDNDN

"Another sundae, please!"

"Yes, sir."

Light smiled as he dug to his third ice cream sundae. Thighs and stomach be damned, this ice cream was the best he'd ever had and he wouldn't give it up for anything! Not even…

"Please fasten your seatbelts; we are moving into a turbulent zone," a voice came from over the speakers. "Once again, please-"

"Turbulent?!" Light exclaimed, turning around to wave a stewardess over. "What's happening…Why do we have to put our seatbelts on? Is it dangerous?! Will we-"

"Sir, this happens all the time, and we're perfectly safe," the woman assured him, as the plane began jerking around. "Please do not get up from your seat."

"Okay…" Light reached down and nearly crushed his stomach when he tightened his seatbelt as much as he could. He let out a little yap when the plane bounced around again.

"Sir, are you okay…?"

"Yes, I'm fine! I look fine, don't I?!" Light yelled, his arm spazzing and knocking his ice cream over. "Look what you made me do! My sundae! Stop bothering me, we're all going to die!"

"Sir-"

"Aaah!" Light gripped on to his armrests for dear life when the plane shook again. "Dammit, doesn't the pilot know what he's _doing?!_"

DNDNDNDN

L had tried.

He'd tried his very hardest- with all his power, his might, his strength! His will was solid; his confidence unwavering even throughout the most turbulent of times…But, even with his efforts, L lost his grip on the armrest and smacked heads with the lice woman.

_I'm contaminated!_ he thought frantically, head tingling from the collision. _The lice! The lice are surely on my head right now, building colonies, cities, communes! No! No, now Light won't even want to be on the same continent as me, let alone in the same bed!_

L felt himself boil over.

"Who," he growled at the lice lady, "goes onto a plane and sits next to someone, knowingly _spreading her lice_ onto others' heads?"

"Well-" she started, but L held up a hand.

"You, in just under five hours, have given me a case of lice that will no doubt last months. Do you know what kind of an impact that will have on my sex life?"

"I'll have sex with you," she replied, perfectly serious about her offer.

L blinked disbelievingly at the lady sitting next to him. "Are you stupid?" he asked quietly.

"Only if you want me to be!"

"…"

DNDNDNDN

Light (after being repeatedly calmed down by numerous people) stood once the turbulence passed and headed off to the lavatory. Not surprisingly, so did everyone else, so he decided to go downstairs to see if the coach ones had lines. Luckily, he was able to walk right into one.

After he was finished with his business, he opened the door, only to see L standing right outside it.

"Ryuu, hi! I'm so glad you're okay, after all that turbulence!" Light reached forward and tugged L into the tiny lavatory with him, locking the door. "I've missed you…"

"Light-kun-"

"Hm? Come here, you look all ruffled!" Light grabbed L and pulled him a bit closer, smashing their bodies up against one another. "Calm down-"

"I believe that I may have lice, Light-kun."

Light froze.

"_WHAT?!"_

The people waiting for the bathroom all jumped back as L came flying out of one of the little rooms all of a sudden.

"You stay the hell away from me!" Light screeched, stepping out after the black-haired man and striding over to the stairs.

"Light-kun!" L pushed himself away from the wall he had crashed into and tried to go after Light, but was unsuccessful.

"I'm not letting you back up there," the clipboard-staircase man sneered. "Shoo."

Rejected and humiliated, L slumped back to his seat, where the filthy man was shooting him a nasty look.

"Why were you in the bathroom with that guy?" he asked gruffly, leaning over toward L and scratching his mustache. "You get in a fight?"

"It was a lovers' tiff, wasn't it?" the lice lady squealed on L's other side.

"Lovers?" the smelly man asked. "You're with a guy?"

"Of course he is!" the woman defended. She leaned way over L, so her head was right in front of his face.

"Why don't you let _him_ answer, lady?"

"Because you're bothering him!"

"No I'm not!"

L pressed the button for his seat to go back and leaned as far away from the argument as possible, until the little girl behind him gave his chair a swift kick.

"Hey, mister! You're squishing me! Daddy, the creepy man is squishing me!"

L turned around just in time to see a very angry father glaring at him. "Move up, you little creep," the man ordered. "Don't crush my little princess."

"Sorry, sir." L moved his seat back up, and was rewarded with hearing more of the argument between Mr. Smelly and Ms. Lice. Unfortunately, Smelly couldn't hold back his saliva while he was yelling, so L got a generous helping of that right on the side of his face. And…why was his head itching? L reached up and frantically clawed at his scalp.

_The lice! The lice are planning a takeover of my body!_

"…Well, shut up, lady! If I wanna ask the guy a question, then I can! Are you his sister or something?"

"No! He's my very good, personal friend and he doesn't want to answer your questions!"

L closed his eyes. _Since when were Lady Lice and I good friends?_

"Pfft!" Mr. Smelly retorted, offering up another serving of spit that showered L's face.

_Okay, positive thinking exercises,_ L thought in desperation. _List positive things about my life: I have money. I have food. I have Light…Or not, because of the LICE infesting my hair…I have to use the lavatory, because I never got a chance to because of the LICE. Oh Lord, I have to get out of here. I'm going to become like Light._

DNDNDNDN

Upstairs, Light had ordered one of the stewardesses bring him a damp washcloth and a plastic bag. Without looking around to see the many people staring at him, he covered his hair with the washcloth and put the bag over it, like a shower cap. It was wishful thinking, but he had limited means and suffocating the lice was his only option.

…If this was the correct way to suffocate lice. Light, being fabulously sparkly and clean all the time, wouldn't know about such disgusting matters.

_I don't even know if I have lice, but I'm sure anything could live in Ryuu's hair._ He recalled a particularly frightening incident involving L's hair and a toe ring Light had never seen again.

Banishing the image of L's monstrous hair-creature out of his mind, Light began feasting on some more ice cream, washing it down with a nice, cold soda and a few chocolate bars. He could see why L ate like this all the time; he was feeling energized! Whew!

"Can I have some more cookies up here?" he called over his shoulder. "And maybe you could bring me that steak right about now!"

DNDNDNDN

"Chicken or pasta?"

"Pasta."

"Chicken or pasta?"

"Chicken…No, pasta."

"Chicken or pasta?"

"Chicken."

The attendant fixed his bland gaze upon L. "Chicken or pasta?"

L looked at the little foil-covered plastic containers the man was handing out, their "delicious, complimentary meal," and sighed. "Pasta." He took it from the guy and opened it up, only to be greeted with possibly the foulest odor he had ever encountered.

"Do you want to trade?" the lice woman asked, holding out her tray, which looked too much like vomit to really be chicken.

"No, thank you." L unwrapped his plastic fork and slurped up one of his hardened noodles. He gagged.

DNDNDNDN

"We will be arriving at our destination in approximately ten minutes."

L grunted and blinked his eyes open at this announcement. He must have fallen asleep after choking down that pasta, and now they were almost there! Looking around at the fools on either side of him, his heart leapt with joy at knowing he would never see them again!

"It has been nice talking to you," he said to his lice-plagued companion. "Good luck with your problem."

"Thank you!"

Meanwhile, up in first class, Light let out a little belch and sunk back into his seat. He had been eating nonstop for several hours and was suddenly not feeling so well. No, he wasn't feeling well _at all_.

Once they landed, the brunette heaved himself to his feet and grabbed his suitcase from the overhead bin. Stomach protesting his every move, he waddled down the stairs and out into the airport to wait for L.

"Light-kun!"

Though he was tempted to hug Light at first, L found it wasn't a hard thought to resist when he saw the hellish state his lover was in: He had some kind of plastic cap on his head, was extremely pale, and looked a bit fuller than was normal.

"…Did Light-kun consume too much food?" L asked, leading the way through the massively busy Heathrow airport. "I hope not, because we have quite a car ride ahead of us. You see, I could only fly into London on such a short notice, but we are headed elsewhere. Follow me."

"Hold that thought, Ryuu. I'm nauseous."

L watched as Light shoved his way into a restroom and flipped out his cell phone to contact Watari, who would apparently be driving them to the orphanage from wherever the hell he had been before. (How Watari got from place to place so fast, L would never know. When he was a child, he had suspected the older man had been something like Superman, and that theory was sometimes tempting to believe even now.)

"Watari?"

"I will be there in five minutes."

"Good. Light is," L glanced toward the restroom, where Light was just emerging from, "feeling a bit off."

"He is nauseous?"

"Yes. How do you kn-"

"I have something for him. You know where to meet me." _Click._

"He is so efficient," L muttered to himself, turning towards the sickly brunette. "Come on, Light-kun. Pull yourself together."

"I feel horrible."

"That is Light-kun's own fault for being a glutton."

"Hmph. I like ice cream!"

"I do not care. And," L grabbed both suitcases and began walking off, "why is Light-kun wearing a bag on his head?"

"To suffocate the _lice!_"

L kept walking and decided to tell Light later that, to successfully suffocate lice, one had to use vinegar or mayonnaise. He clearly remembered the lice episode with Mello ten years back. What a nightmare.

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

A/N: : ) Thanks for reviewing, guys!! You… I don't even know what to say, except I'm happy you liked it!

**L: "I thank you all most graciously for the panda food you gave me last time."**

**Light: "Now, please feed **_**me**_** with some reviews. I'm feeling left out, dammit! No one ever gives me any love! Everyone likes that panda-face better than me, when I am obviously the superi-"**

**L: "Sorry about him."**

Up next: Arrival


	3. Arrival

"And then I ate some cake, and some ice cream, and some cookies, and…" Light gagged and continued talking, "and some more ice cream, and a sandwich, and some kind of dong-shaped pastry, and a candy bar."

L shifted away from Light, moving to the other side of the limo in haste when the other man began getting pale again. "Light-kun should not talk about food, or he might expel the contents of his stomach upon me."

"But you asked what I ate…"

"That is because your stomach," L leaned over and poked Light's tummy with his index finger, "has grown larger due to the food you have consumed."

"I'm _fat?!_"

"No, you are just…plump. Light-kun is plump, like a pumpkin."

"I'm not a pumpkin!" Light crossed his legs and arms, sticking his nose up into the air. "And my stomach looks _just_ fine."

L pretended not to notice when Light sucked his newly-formed gut in. "Whatever you say." He looked over at Light's watch and gave a little sigh at seeing that they couldn't even be halfway to the orphanage yet; they had only been in the limo for fifteen minutes. Ohh, this was boring…Well, he could always make his Light-kun feel self-conscious.

"I will not judge Light-kun by his looks, though," L added offhandedly, "because I am not shallow and I like him for his personality…most of the time."

"So I'm ugly now."

"Not ugly. Light-kun is a pumpkin, remember?" L, deciding to see how much he could confuse the brunette, gave a little smile. "Pumpkins are cute."

"Will you shut up? This pumpkin is going to come and eat _you_ if you don't watch it!"

"Up by two percent."

"Well, that's not…Wait," Light snapped, "I'm cleared, remember? So you can't throw your numbers at me. You haven't done that for years now, what the hell made you want to-"

"The chance that I am going to stuff my shoe in Light-kun's mouth has gone up by two percent, and is steadily rising," L said, inwardly praising himself for coming up with an alternative so quickly. That habit of the Kira percentages was not easily broken, especially when L was delirious from flying.

Light sat and glared at L for five cold, silent minutes, before finally cracking: "I really can't stand you, do you know that? I hate you!" he exclaimed, going into another one of what L called the Light-kun Hissy Fits.

Now, L felt safe in saying that he knew Light quite well. He knew what Light's favorite color was (pink), what his favorite food was ("Oh my God, chips!"), and where his least favorite spot to be touched was ("Ryuu, I _told_ you to stop touching my ears!"). And the black-haired man, being a world-renowned detective, knew quite a bit about human mannerisms and behavioral patterns. He knew how to infuriate Light, how to get him excited, how to please him…

But for the life of him, L did not know how to deal with the Light-kun Hissy Fits.

"…to think that I could live with you and the brat-faces in some smelly orphanage! Breathing the same air as you is difficult enough, and…"

L brought his knees closer to his chest and let out a sigh. _Light is on a rampage today! I'm going to have to get him asleep right away once we reach Wammy's House, or he may strangle one of the children._

"…calling me names, like pumpkin! I am not a pumpkin! I'll show you a pumpkin and I can assure you that it will bear no direct resemblance to me! It's just…"

_Calling him that really set him off. It is a rather amusing nickname, though, and I think I can handle his wrath. If he can call me "panda puff" and "puff face," then I can call him a pumpkin._

"…paying attention to me?!"

L blinked. "I am sorry, Light-kun. What were you saying?" he asked politely, putting on his dumb mask to shield himself from any abuse Light would dish out.

He didn't, however, prepare himself from the bitchslap that Light sent flying at his face.

DNDNDNDN

"We have arrived," Watari announced cheerfully. He opened the limo door and was unsurprised to see L come stumbling out with a bruise on his face.

"Not a word, Watari," L hissed, leaning back in the limo to yank Light out. "Come on, Light-kun!"

"Stop pulling my arm! You're going to dislocate my shoulder!"

No, this did not surprise Watari at all.

"Watari?" Light asked sweetly, smiling up at the elderly man. "Do you have any control over what room L and I will receive?"

"I suppose so."

"Do you think you could get us one far, _far_ away from the little termites?"

"Referring to my wards as termites just earned you a prime location, Yagami-san," Watari announced with false cheerfulness. "Follow me."

"Light-kun blew it," L whispered, pulling Light along behind him.

"Can't you talk him out of it?"

"Not when he gets in a mood." L was more than a little intimidated by Watari at times, now being a perfect example.

Light huffed and looked around as Watari unlocked a ghastly iron gate. The place was large, gray, and…blah. It could definitely use a touch-up, maybe a hint of color would do the trick. He heard screeching and laughing coming from somewhere, and he assumed the kids were having dinner. Not that he gave a damn. No, all he cared about was making sure a certain blonde bastard didn't get the best of him.

Mello.

"Light," L said, pulling his companion forward. "Move."

"Sorry." Light grabbed on to L's hand, something he knew the other man loathed, and shot his largest, most charming, and most irresistible smile at him.

"You just wore me out with that smile alone," L muttered, entering the building and following Watari upstairs.

Without taking the time to look around, Light ran up behind him and scowled. "What is that supposed to mean?" he demanded.

"It means that you are exhausting and you suck the life out of me."

"Well, you're difficult!"

"Boys," Watari interrupted. "Please do not fight. We have arrived at your room."

L looked around and saw that Watari had placed them right in between the rooms where they kept the toddlers, but, frowning, didn't say a word.

"I assume that you two want to catch up on some sleep, so I will see you in the morning. I'll be back up with your suitcases in a while." Watari shooed them inside and closed the door behind them.

"…"

"I can't see anything!"

"Neither can I."

The drapes were closed and it was sunset, making it very hard for the two to see anything in their room. They both stumbled around, looking for a light.

"Light, hold still, you keep stepping on my foot!"

"_You_ keep touching my face! Let go of my nose!"

"I thought it was a light switch."

_CRASH!_

"…What was that?"

"I can't move! Something fell on my foot! It's _devouring_ me!" Apparently, being extremely fatigued and jet-lagged was not working out so well for Light.

"Light…"

"I can't move! Help me!"

"Be quiet!"

"You're stepping on my hand!"

L tripped a few more times before making his way over to the nightstand, finally finding a lamp and switching it on. He looked down and saw Light sprawled on the floor with a toy dinosaur on top of him, it's hard, plastic teeth being what was "devouring" Light's foot.

"Light-kun almost got killed by the dinosaur," L said. He leaned down and lifted the toy off of his lover with a crack of protest from his back. "I have rescued him"

Light didn't respond, instead scrutinizing every part of the room. Toys aligned a few shelves on one side, and an old desk with a broken wooden chair was on the other. Up against a wall was a decent-looking bed with dinosaur blankets and pillow cases, and a door near that led out to a little balcony.

"I hate dinosaurs," the younger man said finally. "Goodnight."

"Yes, it would be best if you got some sleep."

"Uh-huh…"

L listened to snoring for the majority of the night, but he really didn't mind all that much.

DNDNDNDN

Light awoke to bells.

_Loud, disruptive_ bells.

"Those things are totally ruining my beauty sleep!" he cried out, not opening his eyes. "Ryuu, make them stop! They're making me _upset!_" When he didn't get a response, however, he hauled himself into a sitting position to hunt down the detective.

The idiot was standing out in the rain.

"Ryuu, come back in here, the bed's warm!" Light yelled out toward the balcony. When L didn't hear him, he reluctantly got up, wrapped the T-Rex comforter around himself, and stood at the cracked-open balcony door.

"Ryuu, come back in! The dinosaurs are waiting for you!"

L turned around and cupped his ear. "What?" he called back.

"Come inside! You look like a wet dog, and probably smell like one, too!"

L just leaned forward, ear still cupped and a goofy expression on his face.

"Shit!" was all Light could say as he was forced to step out into the rain to fetch the _stupid_ insomniac genius. "Ryuu!" Light wrapped the blanket up over his head, so only his face was sticking out. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Listening to the bells."

"What?"

"The bells!"

"Come back in! It's _pouring_ out here!" Light grabbed L's arm, but that didn't work. The idiot just kept standing there, staring at the sky and listening to the bells. "Come on, you're going to get pneumonia, and I'll be damned if I'm going to take care of you when you're sick!"

"…They sound nice. Maybe a wedding?"

"Stop being a creep!" With that, Light took the blanket off himself and covered L in it, getting himself drenched in the process. "You're soaked!" He dragged L back inside and slammed the door shut.

"What the hell, Light-kun?"

"I can't have you getting _sick!_"

"I like the rain! I was trying to wake up and clear the jetlag."

"Well, I'm sorry for caring about your skinny behind! Next time, I'll let you freeze." Light shivered and was thankful to see that Watari had brought their suitcases in during the night. "You need to get dried off before you change your clothes."

L sighed and pulled the blanket off of himself. "Light-kun, do not worry about me. I am fine."

"You'll freeze!"

"It looks like you are colder than me," L said, reaching out and poking Light's arm. "Light-kun is very cold! He is going to be a snowman, and I will put him out in the yard with the garden gnomes."

Light blinked wordlessly, not even forming a proper response to that. "…Did you get any sleep last night?" he asked.

"A few hours." L let the blanket drop and began shuffling around the room, looking at the various toys and biting on his thumb.

"You're acting…Never mind. I need a towel, where's the bathroom?"

"Left, first door on the right."

"Okay. Um…" Light grabbed L by the shoulders and led him over to the bed. "Why don't you sit down and collect yourself? I think you're having another sugar withdrawal, and we both know what happened last time," he said with a shudder. Yes, the last withdrawal had been quite an ordeal...

"_Light! Light, there's no sugar! No sugar anywhere! I need some!"_

"…_What?"_

"_We have to go to the store!"_

"_The stores aren't open right now. Go to sleep."_

"_Get up! We'll find a store that's open!"_

"_No! I'm not going anywhere."_

_CHOMP!_

Having L bite his arm taught Light one thing: When L wanted sugar, it was best not to bother him. And the brunette, though he didn't like kids all that much, really didn't want L to attack one of the little brats.

"I'll be right back, Ryuu." Light stepped out of the room and walked down to the bathroom, huffing when it was locked.

"Hey!" he yelled, banging on the door. "Who's in there?"

"…It's me…" a little boy's voice called out in accented Japanese. "Am I in trouble?"

Great. Now Light had scared one of the kids, who would undoubtedly tell L and get _him_ in trouble. He lowered his voice. "I just need a towel. Take your time with whatever you're doing in there, I can wait."

"I'm going to brush my teeth."

"Um…Good for you. Dental hygiene is essential for a healthy and successful life." Light didn't know how to talk to this kid! Sure, he had spoken with his sister while growing up, but that was a long while ago and he was out of practice!

"Mister?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know where the toothpaste is?"

Light let out a long breath and leaned against the wall. "No."

"Can you find it for me?" the boy asked.

"Sure, let me in."

The kid opened the door. He was pretty cute, with large brown eyes and a mop of black hair on his head, and looked to be about five years old.

…Not that Light cared about some little boy. He pushed his way into the bathroom, grabbed the first towel he saw, and turned on his heel to get back to L.

"Mister, weren't you going to find the toothpaste for me?"

"No."

"…"

When Light got back into his bedroom, he did not see L.

"Ryuu?" He started drying his hair as he peered around the room. "Ryuu, where are you?" He leaned down and finally spotted L. "…Why are you under the desk?" he asked, surprised to see L crouched down under the furniture.

"Light-kun needs to get me something sweet," L said, "or I will not move away from this spot."

"Mister, I still can't find the toothpaste," a little voice came from the doorway.

Light turned around to see the boy standing there. "Okay, I'll find it for you. Just give me a second here; L is having issues."

"L is here?!" the boy exclaimed. "Where?!" He scurried over to Light and grabbed on to the brunette's hand. "Show him to me!"

"He's right there," Light sighed, gesturing toward the desk, and the boy stepped back with a gasp.

"He's scary!" the boy yelled at seeing the oddball lurking under the desk.

"Come on, let's go find the toothpaste. Then could you show me where the food is?" Light asked. "Come on, don't stare at L; it's rude."

"But he looks like a ghost!" The boy clung to Light more tightly, eyes welling up in tears. "Is he going to _get_ me?!"

"No." Light, tired of this nonsense, picked the kid up and took him back into the bathroom so he could find the toothpaste. Once he found it, he made sure the boy brushed thoroughly and asked what his name was.

"My name's Thomas, but I like Tommy better."

"Okay Tommy, I'm Light. Now can you take me to the kitchen so I can get food for L?"

"Pick me up again!"

Light heaved Tommy into his arms and the boy directed him downstairs and into the kitchen. Relieved at seeing so many cupboards, Light sat the boy in a chair and began raiding the kitchen for something sugary.

"We're not supposed to be in here, Mister Light. We don't eat in here."

"I don't care; I need something for L."

Tommy nodded and watched as Light pulled out a whole cake from the fridge. "How do you feed him?" he asked.

"Hm?" Light moved on to the cupboards and picked out a few chocolate bars.

"He's scary. How do you feed him? Do you put gloves on?"

"He's not an animal. I just get him food when he needs sugar. You see," Light stretched and turned toward Tommy, "when he doesn't have sugar for a long time, he becomes cranky and doesn't act normally. That's how he is right now."

"Oh, I get it."

"So why are you in here, Tommy?" Light asked, sitting down next to the boy. "What happened to your parents?"

"I don't know, I never saw them. I've been here for a long time."

"Do you like it here?"

"Uh-huh."

"And you've never seen L before today."

"Nope."

"That's probably for the best," Light muttered. "Well, let's go back upstairs and give him some food. Did you want one of these?" He held one of the chocolate bars out to Tommy, who snatched it away with a little nod.

"I can make Gregory do funny things if I tell him I'll give him this," the kid smirked. "And then I'll say I lost it. It works every time."

Light paused and looked down at his new friend.

"Tommy?"

"Yes?"

"You have great potential."

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

A/N: Hey, thanks so much for reviewing, guys!! I'm sorry I didn't get to reply to any of you; I had a few issues come up and didn't have the time. So consider this a giant review reply. : )

**Light: That was a crappy apology. Don't believe her!**

**L: Please review, or…I'll send Watari after you.**

Up next: Mello


	4. Mello

"So may I feed L when we get back?" Tommy asked as Light led him back upstairs.

"If he lets you." Light twitched when he felt his head itching; he'd have to make L check for lice later on.

"Why are you here? You look kinda old to be living here."

"I work for L," Light explained, balancing the cake and chocolate in his arms. "You probably know me as Q."

"_You're_ Q?!"

"Yes."

"Wow!" Tommy clutched his chocolate to himself and beamed up at Light. "So, you know lots of stuff about L?"

"You could say that." They reached the top of the staircase and Tommy opened the bedroom door for them.

"What's his favorite color?"

"He doesn't have one."

"Favorite animal?"

"Ostrich." Light kneeled down in front of the desk and slid the food over to the black-haired oddball crouched underneath it. "Here, try to eat most of this. I _hate_ it when you go into these withdrawals," he hissed, as L began digging into the cake.

"Thank you, Light-kun," L mumbled through the food. Light ignored the spit-soaked cake bits sprayed at him and stood back up.

"This is a neat room!" Tommy said, picking up the big T-Rex toy that had attacked Light the night before and inspecting it. "I like dinosaurs."

"That's great," Light responded offhandedly, still watching L inhale the cake.

"Is L okay?" the boy asked, scurrying over behind Light to carefully watch L.

"Who are you?" L grunted out at the kid.

Tommy squeaked and clutched onto Light's leg. "Mister Light, I'm scared," he whispered.

"This is Tommy, L," Light sighed. He rested a hand on the boy's head and narrowed his eyes at the other man. "Stop scaring him."

"I am not scaring him, Light-kun."

"Yes, you are!"

L inched forward and, apparently satisfied with his sugar fix, stood up and gave his head a good scratch. "Light-kun, I believe we have a problem that needs to be dealt with. It concerns lice, and I am sure Tommy does not want to be involved."

"Oh." Light squirmed around and twitched again, leading Tommy to the door. "Yes, Tommy, we need some time alone. If you could come back later, we'd appreciate it," he said grimly.

"Okay…Bye-bye!"

Once the kid was gone, the two men let loose and scratched their heads wildly, Light stumbling over to the bed and L banging his head on the desk.

"Light-kun, we have creatures living in our hair!"

"I know! What do we do?!"

"L?!" came a scream from outside the door, interrupting the pair's panic session.

L got a hold of himself and reluctantly pulled his hands away from his hair. "…Mello?" he asked. "What do you want?"

"_L! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!"_

Light also stopped scratching and stood up straight, immediately going on alert once he heard Mello's voice. "Mello?!" he yelled. "Get out of here!"

"Who…Oh, no! No! That is _not_ who I think it is!" There was a loud series of thumps on the door. "Is that you, Light? Why are you here with L?!"

L, deciding to take control of the situation, opened the door and let Mello in, unsurprised when he was nearly tackled to the floor with a rib-crushing hug from the overeager blonde.

"L, I've missed you so much! Near buried all my chocolate in the backyard, and the mud soaked through the boxes and ruined it! He ruined my stash! Now all I have are three bars left in the kitchen!" Finished with his whining, Mello then turned toward Light and sent his nastiest glare at the brunette.

Light crossed his arms. "Mello."

"Light."

"You look like hell."

Mello smirked. "You look _larger_."

"Get out of here, slut-face."

"Make me."

"Don't think I won't!"

L stepped back and watched the two try (unsuccessfully) to stare one another down.

"Stop hanging all over L," Light snapped, stepping forward and giving Mello a sharp smack on the head. "He doesn't like you."

"L! Light hit me!" Mello yelled right in the detective's face.

"Please do not hit Mello, Light-kun. Mello, please do not blow my eardrums out."

All L got in response was a particularly bitchy look from Light and a pout from Mello. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Mello, don't you have a breakfast to attend?"

"I wanted to greet you before Near."

"What a _blessing_." L's sarcasm nearly melted the skin off of Mello's face, and the blonde crossed his arms and noticeably bit his tongue in an attempt not to mouth off.

Light moved forward and shoved Mello out of the door. "Get out of here! You don't have to ruin L's day by shoving your ugly little face into his business!" he exclaimed. It was a struggle, but he finally managed to shut the door on the brat.

"I _hate_ that kid!"

"Light-kun's murderous aggression is sometimes useful in getting rid of pests," L observed emotionlessly. Yes, sometimes it was useful to have a sociopath for a companion; Light certainly got the job done.

"Anyway, what do we do about the lice?" Light demanded. "You had better have an idea."

"Ah, yes! Watari should be back with the necessary items by now." L whipped out his phone and dialed the old man up.

"What are the items?"

"Mayonnaise and shower caps."

"Wha…You know I don't like mayonnaise, L!" Light stomped his foot. "If you try to put it on one of my sandwiches, I'll snap you in half! And what does that have to do with lice?!"

L held up a finger. "Hold that thought, Light-kun. Hello, Watari? Yes, please bring it upstairs to us. Thank you." L closed his phone and shot a strange look at Light. "Now, why do you…Oh, Light. The mayonnaise is for the lice," he explained, gesturing toward Light's head. "We put it _in our hair_."

"…" The brunette's mouth formed a perfect "O" and his eyes widened to their full extent.

The subsequent screaming fit was heard throughout the building.

DNDNDNDN

"Matt?"

"Hm?"

"L brought Light with him."

"Obviously."

Mello scowled and leaned back in his chair, kicking a foot up onto his desk. "What do you mean, _obviously?"_

Matt grunted and peeled his eyes away from his GameBoy to look up at Mello. "Well, I mean Light must be Q."

The blonde froze. Impossible! Light, as Q?! L's famed assistant who traveled with him everywhere and…

Well damn. Matt was right, wasn't he?

"L chose that pretty boy as his assistant."

Matt nodded and held out a hand. "Give me my smokes."

"So Light has a say in whom L chooses as his successor," Mello reasoned, tossing the cigarettes over to his roommate.

"Yep."

"And L's whipped, so Light basically chooses everything."

"Right again, Mels."

"So I'm screwed, cause Light's clearly going to choose Nancy Near instead of me."

"Uh-huh. Well, unless you can get Light to really hate Near," Matt mumbled, going back to his game.

Mello crossed his arms. "Hm, yes, I'll have to do that," he mused. "And I'll need to un-whip L so he won't take Light seriously anymore. Then I'll have a fighting chance."

"Framing Near will be easy, but how do you think you're going to get L to dislike Light?" Matt asked with a little snort. "Don't forget about your epic fail when we went on that cruise; I know you were trying the same thing there."

"I'm going to do it right this time."

"Hn."

"I'm thinking of a plan."

DNDNDNDN

"Hold still, Light."

"No! No, I don't want that anywhere near my head!" Light ducked out of the way when L tried to spoon some mayonnaise into his hair. The detective's own black puff was smoothed back with copious amounts of the smelly condiment and was covered with a very effeminate-looking pink shower cap. Light really didn't want to look like anything like L at that moment, so he kept evading the incoming spoon until he was backed up to the bed.

"Light-kun needs to hold still and take it."

"I refuse! Get off of me!"

"Stop squirming around!"

"I don't want it! Get it out of my face!"

"Dammit, Light-kun!"

A thump, quickly followed by a yelp and a whimper. Near, who was about to knock on the door and greet L, stopped himself and stepped back. God only knew what L was up to in there…

"Light-kun!"

"It's all over my face now! I hope you're _happy!_"

"Let me put it in your hair! Hold still!"

"Noooooo…"

Near pressed his ear up against the door, trying to hear what was going on between the two men, but jumped and whirled around when he felt someone tap his shoulder.

"Hey, Nancy."

"Mello," Near grumbled, "what do you want?"

"I was coming to see if L had any chocolate." Mello stretched and leaned against the wall. "My stash was ruined because _someone_ buried it out in the mud."

"Maybe that person buried it because his airplane was thrown in the fireplace a few nights ago," Near suggested, twirling his hair.

"Maybe his plane was burnt because he put glue in someone's shampoo."

"Maybe he put glue in that someone's shampoo due to his robots being smashed."

Mello frowned and shoved Near to the side, reaching forward and opening the bedroom door. He stepped inside and saw L crouched on Light's chest, smearing a jarful of mayonnaise all over the younger man's hair.

"…L?"

L turned around, a spoon of mayo pinched between two fingers. "May I help you, Mello?"

"…Do you have any chocolate in here?"

"No."

Mello cleared his throat and looked down at his boots. "Okay. I'll be going, then."

"Goodbye." L watched Mello leave and looked back down at Light. "Do you think he may have gotten the wrong impression, Light-kun?"

"I don't think so."

DNDNDNDN

"L has some kind of mayonnaise fetish."

Matt looked up from his video game and actually raised his goggles up to give Mello a surprised look. "…That's bizarre," he said finally.

"I know."

Silence. Mello leaned back on the bench they were seated on and looked around the backyard, where various children were running and playing on the swings. "Hey, that kid has _my_ chocolate!" he exclaimed when he saw Tommy digging into a huge chocolate bar. "He's going down."

DNDNDNDN

"Mister Light! Mister Light!"

L opened the bedroom door when he heard Tommy on the other side, crying. "What is the problem?" he droned.

"Mello took my chocolate and pushed me in the mud!"

Light, who had been lounging on the bed and waiting for the lice to suffocate, sat up and shared a look with L.

"He's gonna die."

"Light-kun, please do not kill Mello," L requested as his lover went storming out into the hall and down the stairs.

"Kill him, Mister Light!" Tommy cheered, clapping his hands together. L picked him up and followed the raging brunette down to the backyard.

"_Mello!"_

The chocolate-addicted teen turned around and saw a very unstable-looking Light stomping toward him. "Oh shit. That kid wasn't kidding when he said he was friends with Light."

"I'll impale you on that tetherball pole!" Light roared.

Matt stood up next to Mello and continued playing his game. "Mels?"

"Yes?"

"I don't think he's exaggerating."

"Me neither."

"What are you going to do?"

Mello took a good look at the nutcase rushing toward him and shook his head. "I can take him," he said shakily. "You _will_ back me up, right?"

"…It's hard to say."

"_Matt!"_

"Light-kun!" L yelled, putting Tommy down and shuffling after his companion. "Light-kun will not provoke a fight with Mello!"

The children and teenagers in the yard all stood and watched as this newcomer, Light, openly disobeyed their idol and grabbed Mello by the shirt collar.

"Wow, he's not listening to L!"

"Is he stupid?"

"L's going to be really mad."

"Who is he?" a little boy asked.

"I heard he's Q."

"Oooh."

"He's cute," one young teen whispered to her friends. "Looks Japanese."

"Ooh, I wonder if he'll sit near us at dinner!"

"I hope so!"

"Do you think he'll tutor me?!"

L, seeing that Light was apparently in Kira Mode and was going to attempt to strangle Mello, put his shuffling into high-gear and intervened in the fight. He kicked up, hit Light right on the face, and then sent the same leg into Mello's stomach. Both fighters were sent sprawling to the ground.

Unfortunately for Matt, Mello went sliding back and crashed into him, making the gamer fall to the ground and his GameBoy land with a _SCHLOP_ right in a watery mud puddle. It flashed a big red "FAIL" on the screen before shutting down.

"I was on level ninety-five!"

L scratched the back of his neck and looked at the scene before him. "Um…Light-kun, please stand up and head for the shower. Mello, when you stop heaving and you catch your breath, go find Tommy and apologize. Matt…" he looked down at the goggled boy, "go inform Mister Roger of your game situation and tell him to use my funds to purchase you a new one. And put that cigarette out."

"Yes, L," both Matt and Mello chorused. Light, however, had a different agenda.

"You kicked me!" the ex-murderer screamed, standing up. "You kicked my beautiful face!"

"That is because you were strangling Mello." L turned around and began slouching back over to the building.

"Now I'm going to be _bruised!_" Light flicked the mud off of his hands and scurried up to L. "You're going to regret that-"

"Light-" L turned and grabbed Light's hands, twisting the other man down into a complicated and painful-looking karate hold. "I know you."

"This hurts, L!"

"And I know when you are about to do something."

"Let me go!"

"I especially know when you are about to hit me, so the next time you intend to do that, please attempt to be a bit more discreet about it. Now, what have you learned today?"

"Not to try hitting you."

"Good Light-kun." L let Light out of the hold and kept walking back to the house.

Light massaged his wrists and caught up with L. "Do you think the lice are dead yet?"

"We shall see, then I have to go down to dinner."

DNDNDNDN

The crowd of kids followed L inside and patiently waited for their mentor to address them. He took his shower, got distracted by Light, then made sure he didn't have any bugs in his hair. It all took two hours, but eventually he went down into the large dining room in the middle of dinner, and all was quiet.

"As you all can see," he announced casually, planting himself in a chair, "I have come here with Q to visit. You may address him as 'Light'. Please do not provoke him unless you want another incident to occur like what happened with Mello earlier. Also, please do not use any of his hair products or come into our room and touch his things." L trailed off for a moment, distracted by a piece of cake which had been set in front of him. He picked it up, took a forkful, and continued his speech:

"Q is going to be assisting me in choosing my successor. I am sure that it is common knowledge by now that I have narrowed down my selections, so please do not approach me, and _especially_ not Q, and pester either of us about this." He dropped his fork with a loud clang, but ignored that and continued eating the cake with his hands. "I am staying in room 2B. That means that you will not stampede down that hall and disturb my deliberations. If you see Q between the hours of one o'clock AM and eleven o'clock AM and he does not have coffee in his hands, I suggest not saying anything to him and not making eye contact with him. Additionally, although I am speaking…" L quieted for a moment, staring up at the ceiling. Everyone else glanced up to see what he was looking at, but saw nothing. A few excruciating minutes passed in silence as L apparently tried to remember which language he was speaking, and he eventually looked back down and took another bite of cake. He continued.

"…Although I am speaking _French_ right now, because that happens to be a language I find attractive, it would be wise to only use Japanese around Q. Not that he does not know other languages, of course, but he tends to become a bit temperamental about such things. Now I will set aside ten minutes for questions, as I am certain some of you wish to know me better," he finished.

One little girl raised her hand and L nodded to her.

"Who _are_ you?" she asked.

"…" L blinked. Oh, apparently some of these kids didn't know who he was. How embarrassing.

"I am L. Next question," L said, motioning toward a teenage boy.

"Yeah, I got a question: How come you and Q are sharing a room?" the boy asked with a smirk. One of his friends chuckled and nudged him.

"I have an idea," L responded, reaching over and snatching one girl's strawberry tart away from her. "You go out into the backyard and stand in the rain for the remainder of the night. Then you may achieve religious Enlightenment, and will know why Q and I are sharing a room."

A few giggles. The boy scowled and crossed his arms.

"Go on," L urged, nodding when the boy reluctantly stood and stomped toward the back door. "Enlightenment is merely steps away. Next question. Go ahead, Mary."

It was one of Light's fangirls. "L, will Q tutor me?" Mary asked eagerly. "He seems very knowledgeable."

"I am certain that whatever you wish to be taught from him can easily be learned through a book. Go to the library and ask Roger for access to the restricted section. Look for the book labeled 'K. Sutra,'" L suggested. He licked his fingers and pointed toward Near, who was hunched at the opposite end of the table. "Last question now; you kids are fatiguing me-"

"L, where's the damn _butter_ in this house?! I raided the kitchen, but couldn't find any! I swear to _God_, you and all these other kids are the strangest little bastards that have ever walked this…" Light stepped into the dining room. "…Earth."

"Ah, it seems as if Q has asked the last question of the evening," L said, standing up and shuffling over to the blushing man. "Near, your question will have to wait. Light, I believe the butter would be in the massive tub labeled 'butter' on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. Perhaps you are having problems reading today, so I shall accompany you and read to the best of my ability." The black-haired man turned back toward the kids and gave a half-hearted wave before grabbing Light and pulling him over to the kitchen.

"You didn't have to humiliate me in front of all the brats," Light complained as he watched L dig through the fridge. "I've already been kicked in front of them."

L didn't bother responding to that, as was his habit with seventy-one percent of the things that left Light's mouth. Instead, he handed the tub of butter to the other man and walked out of the room.

"Why does Light-kun need butter?" he asked as they hiked up the stairs.

Light gave a sheepish grin. "Oh. Well, I…kind of jammed your favorite pen in the lock so no one could open our door, but it won't come back out."

"So we cannot enter our room."

"That would be correct."

"I see. Light?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know that Roger will not give us another room?"

"That's what I figured." They made it to the top of the staircase and L leaned down to inspect the old-fashioned lock.

"You broke my pen."

"It was already broken when I put it there!"

"…" L crouched down in the hallway. He stayed like that for the next hour as Light tried to get the pen out of the lock using the butter. Eventually, Kira Mode took over and the frustrated brunette threw his entire body into the door, successfully knocking it off of its hinges and making it collapse inward.

L stood, stepped over his fallen companion, and went over to the bed.

"Light?"

"Mmhm?"

"Do you know that Roger will not give us another door?"

"Yes."

"So now we have absolutely no privacy for the remainder of our time here."

"I know."

"Light?"

"Yes?"

"Go get me some cake and a glass of wine."

"Okay."

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

A/N:

**L: MP thanks you for reviewing and apologizes for the late update.**

**Light: Please review! Or I'll come and impale you on that tetherball pole! I'm not joking, you know…I'll do it. And then I'll take a chip…**

**L: Please ignore him.**

Up next: Chainsaw


	5. Chainsaw

A few days passed without much activity- Light got used to the house, L stared at his computer, and the other kids bothered them because of the missing door. Their privacy, as L had put it, was at zero percent.

Christmas was just over a month away, and Watari and Roger had brought the boxes of decorations down from the attic. They had a tree delivered, but the men had put it in the back yard instead of inside the house, and that was causing some problems for the kids. Light and L had avoided anything to do with the decorating, Light not wanting to talk to any of the kids (except Tommy, of course), and L harboring a strange fear of Christmas elves.

On the fourth morning of their stay, Light awoke to a loud rapping noise in the bedroom. "What the hell…?" He sat up, blinked a few times to focus on his surroundings, and saw L _hammering_ at the doorframe.

Needless to say, this was an odd sight.

"L, what are you doing? You woke me up."

"I, Light-kun, am attempting to give us some privacy in here so we can carry on with our nightly routine. Three days with no sexual activity is making my deductive skills drop by twenty four percent."

Light ran a hand through his hair and yawned, peering more closely at what the other man was trying to accomplish. The hammer L held was probably the largest one Light had ever seen, thus looking more than ridiculous next to the skinny detective. L also had a toolbox next to him, but no other supplies, and Light looked up to see that L had successfully hammered _one_ nail into the doorframe. That was it.

"Are you trying to put in another door?" Light asked, confused.

"No." L turned around and Light let out a bark of laughter at seeing that he was wearing a tool belt. It was fully equipped with a screwdriver, a drill, and two different wrenches.

"What is so funny, Light?"

"That tool belt! You look _ridiculous!_"

L scowled and turned back around to get back to his project and Light, still laughing, got out of bed. "I'm going downstairs to eat. Do you want to take a break and join me?"

"No. I am trying to put an end to our door predicament. Unless Light-kun wants the next nail somewhere on his body, I suggest he shuts his mouth and leaves this room."

"Alright, you don't have to start talking like that." Light pulled on some sweatpants and hurried toward the hallway. "I just thought you would need _boards_ to build a new door."

"Please be careful of the boxes of Christmas decorations out in the hall. Now give me a kiss and get out."

"I'm not kissing you right now!"

"Then _get out_."

Light, helped by a little shove from L, went stumbling out the door and was greeted by a high-pitched chorus of "Helloooo, Q!"

"Ah!" Light shielded himself from his three fangirls and scurried past them. He really didn't understand females…not that he wanted to.

"Wait, Q! Q, come back!"

"You've got a cute butt, Q!"

Light crossed his arms and kept walking, sighing in relief when he heard L telling the girls to stop harassing him. He tripped on a strand of garland while going down the stairs and slammed into a few kids on the way.

"Watch where you're going, pretty boy!" one teenage boy snapped at him, but Light just shoved him to the side and ventured on toward the smell of food.

Once he got down to the dining room, Light grabbed a plate, chose a couple of cream-filled pastries, and planted himself at the end of a table where he assumed he wouldn't be bothered. He then inhaled his pastries and eavesdropped for a little while.

"Is that…Q?"

"He's in such casual clothes. They look like pajamas."

"How unprofessional! _L_ never walks around in his pajamas."

Light snorted. If only those kids knew that L didn't even have nightclothes- he just wore the same thing all the time. He recalled one time when he had taken all of L's clothes and had thrown them out the window, leaving the other man naked…

"Hello, Light."

Light jumped and was brought back to reality by what looked like a ghost sitting across from him.

"Near."

Near gave a creepy little smile and made his robot fly over Light's empty plate. "Brrrrr."

"Will you stop? Get out of my face," Light cringed.

Ignoring Light's demands, Near brought a dinosaur toy up onto the table and had it crush the robot. "Grrrr."

"Look, ghost boy. Go have your dino fun somewhere else; you're disrupting my _life_."

"Grrrr." Near looked up and smiled at Light. "What does Q stand for?"

"Huh?" Light hadn't been asked that before, and he honestly didn't know. L had chosen the letter for him.

"What does Q stand for?" Near repeated.

"It stands for whatever you want it to stand for."

"You don't know, do you?"

"I do know." Light was going to have to ask L about that later. "I'm merely choosing not to tell you."

"Why?"

"Because you're not worthy."

Near, looking a bit thrown off by this response, collected his toys and went shuffling off. Light watched as he walked by Mello, who shoved him to the side before spotting Light at the end of the table.

"Look who it is!" The other kids moved out of the blonde's way as he stomped over to Light and sat on the table in front of him. "It's Q. Does that stand for Queenie, maybe? May I call you that?"

"No. Shoo." Light waved a hand toward Mello. "I'm not in the mood."

"You're probably shouldn't be eating breakfast, you know. It's very fattening."

"Look." Light stood up and leaned in close to Mello. "Unless you want me to roll you up and make you into my own personal bowling ball, _get the hell out of my face_."

"…That was an unusual threat." Mello, deciding not to provoke the maniac anymore, stood up and slowly backed away from the table.

Light leaned forward. "Move!" he yelled, making the younger man cringe and run off.

This was not turning out to be a very good morning.

DNDNDNDN

"So he told me he'd make me into a bowling ball, and I left."

"That's an unusual threat."

"I know." Mello grabbed a chocolate bar and watched as Matt tilted his GameBoy around as if that would help him win. "What level are you on?"

"Four."

"Ouch."

"Are you going to carry out your master plan anytime soon?"

"I have to wait until Christmas. So that's about three weeks."

_BANG! BANG!_

Mello jumped when he heard a startling noise come from the hallway and began to rise, but Matt spoke up and stopped him.

"That's just L being L, Mello. It's really nothing to worry about."

"What's he doing, tearing the house down?"

The gamer shrugged and lit up a cigarette. Mello, deciding that Matt was in Bitchy Gaming Mode, heaved a sigh and went off to talk to L anyway. Sometimes Matt would really flip out if his precious GameBoy time was interrupted. Mello sometimes wondered if his friend had somehow found a way to have virtual sex with his games.

_Hm. I'll have to ask him about that sometime._

"GRRRRRAW!"

Mello yelped when Near suddenly came jumping out from behind a box of Christmas decorations. The little bastard had a reindeer mask on and began jerking his antlers toward Mello aggressively.

"Stop it, Near! Ouch! Shit, you're _stabbing_ me!" Mello lashed out and snapped a piece of the antlers off, using that to fence his way past Near and down to L.

"L! Near's having an episode!" Mello whined, running up to the older man. L was on a ladder, hunched over and precariously holding a screwdriver in between two fingers.

"Is he wearing the reindeer mask?" L asked tonelessly.

"Yes."

"Let him go. He does that every year."

Mello huffed and looked up at L's project. "L?"

"Yes?"

"Hammering nails around the doorframe isn't going to make a new door appear."

"I am well aware of that, Mello."

Crossing his arms, the younger male couldn't help but grin as he watched the spidery man bring out a drill and begin drilling at the door. "Can I ask you something?"

"Apparently so."

"…" Mello refrained from calling L a smartass. "What does Q stand for?"

"It stands for something that I am very fond of."

"Is that why you gave the letter to Light?"

"Yes."

"So you're fond of him?"

"Most of the time."

Mello smirked. "But what does it stand for?"

"It stands for whatever you want it to stand for."

"…"

DNDNDNDN

"Mister Light! Q! Will you come over here?"

Light looked down from a painting he had been staring at and saw a little girl tugging away at his sleeve. "Don't touch my clothes, pest, you'll stretch them," he snapped, jerking his hand up.

"But will you come over here?" The girl grabbed his other hand and pulled him outside into the snow. This was a problem, as Light did not like being cold. _Ever._

"Why the hell am I out here?!"

"You have to help us! Roger had to go inside with Watari to get some important work done and now he won't help us! And L is upstairs trying to break the wall!" The girl pointed to a massive, snowy fir tree that was lying on its side in the middle of the backyard. "You have to help us get the tree inside so we can decorate it!"

"I don't think so." Light turned on his heel and was faced with a crowd of very displeased little children. "Move it, termites."

"L!" the little girl screamed up toward a window. "L! L! L!"

Light moved out further into the yard and saw L leaning out of a small window.

"Light-kun!" the detective yelled.

"Yes?"

"Help them with the tree!"

"No!"

"That tree is going to be Light-kun's new bed partner if he does not help the children!" L warned. "He should not be a Grinch!"

"I hate it when you call me things like that!"

"I do not want to quarrel with Light-kun in front of the children!"

"Then don't equate me to a green son of a bitch who steals Christmas away from the whole world!"

Light ignored the comments of "Ooooh, he said a bad word!" behind him and kept glaring up at L, who leaned out the window a bit more.

"Light, move that tree inside or I will make you sleep on the balcony tonight!"

"…Alright, fine!" Light screamed up at his lover, knowing L wasn't exaggerating. "You owe me!" Then he turned around and sized up the tree.

_How am I going to move this? It's got to be three times my weight! If only it didn't have so many branches on it…Hmm. Grinch. I'll show him a Grinch…_

"I'll be back."

DNDNDNDN

L was getting back to his hammering when Light came up the stairs, nose red from the cold.

"I am going to have to get Light-kun a scarf."

"I don't care about that. I need tools."

L would have raised an eyebrow if he had had one. "Tools? Tools would be out in the shed, Light-kun," he said. "What are you going to do?"

"Never mind that."

L watched with a little frown as Light went prancing back down the stairs. The other man was surely up to something, and had perhaps thought of a way to get the tree inside of the house. Hm. Well, at least L wasn't stuck doing it again this year; he really hated decorating trees.

DNDNDNDN

"Okay."

Light, hands on hips, stared at the array of yard tools before him. He had absolutely no knowledge of such things, but hell! He was Light Yagami! He used to be Kira (though he had no memory of it), had been the number one student in Japan, and could hold a meaningful conversation with L (who was completely socially impaired). He was a genius!

With that in mind, Light picked up the most effective tool he could find, grabbed some goggles and gloves, and went trekking back out into the snow. That tree didn't stand a chance against him.

L was still hammering when he heard a very loud and very unfamiliar noise in the backyard. He climbed down off of his ladder and shuffled over to a window to look outside. Peering out and looking over toward the fir tree, L gazed upon the most frightening sight he had ever laid eyes on:

Light had a chainsaw, and he was cutting the tree with it.

DNDNDNDN

Mello was sitting downstairs when L went flying past him, his mentor muttering a stream of words unfit for the filthiest of ears. The blonde decided that whatever was going on _must_ be worth watching, so he followed L outside hoping he could witness another bout of L beating Light up.

L shoved his way past the kids and watched in shock as Light hacked away at the poor tree. Mello came up beside him. "What are you going to do, L?" he asked, noisily biting into his chocolate.

"This situation has more potential for becoming a disaster than many of the murder plots I have seen," L responded quietly, thumb in his mouth. "Light has very little control over anything he lays his hands on, that chainsaw included."

A booming cackle erupted over the sound of the saw as Light tore through another branch. L turned toward the crowd of kids behind him. "Children? Please move back inside the house; there is no reason for you to be out here," he called out. "Mello, stay here with me."

"Yeees, L," the kids' voices rang out, all disappointed at being denied a free show.

Meanwhile, Light finished his masterpiece, turned off the chainsaw, and pulled the goggles and gloves off. He smiled hugely and gave a little wave toward the house. "Hello, L! Want to help me pull this inside?" he asked cheerfully. "I trimmed it! See? It looks better now!"

Now, L had a "been there, done that" attitude toward most things, and if there was one thing he had learned in his experience with unstable people, if was not to approach them when they had chainsaws next to them. He concluded that, though Light was an essentially harmless person, if would be best to take the safer route with this one.

"Light," he yelled back. "Can't you pull it in yourself? I'm very busy."

"It's heavy, L! Don't you want to help me?" Light's smile turned into a pout.

L cocked his head to the side and chewed on his thumb. "Mello, go help him."

"What?!" Mello shook his head. "I'm not helping that psycho! Did you see him with that saw?!"

"He is harmless," L assured his potential successor.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes…"

Mello huffed and stomped off toward Light.

"…for the most part," L muttered, turning and walking back inside.

DNDNDNDN

"You have to grab the other side, Mello! Do you have a brain in that fat head of yours?!"

Light and Mello had managed to get the tree to the doorway, and were attempting to pull it through the back door. Light was dictating, and Mello wasn't listening.

"You're incompetent!" the younger man bellowed, throwing his hands into the air. "You have no control over this!"

"Move out of the way!" Light shoved Mello to the side and began hauling the tree inside by himself. _"Bitch!"_

"At least I'm not _L's_ bitch," came the quick reply. A few of the kids standing around looked at one another excitedly.

"Oooh, Mello said the b-word. I'm telling," one boy said.

"Wait…Q is L's bitch?" a Light fangirl asked. "…What?!"

Light scowled at the spectators and whipped his head around to look at Mello. "And just _what_ is wrong with being L's…Hey!"

"Ha! You admit it!"

"…Just help me with this!"

Eventually, with a few more insults and threats thrown around, Mello and Light pulled the tree inside and stood it up near the fireplace. The other kids stood around and stared at it.

Mello blinked. "It's perfect," he said disbelievingly. "That's the best tree I've ever seen."

"It's _gorgeous!_" Light gushed, fluffing a few branches up and standing back to ogle the tree. "Absolutely splendid. I should be a logger…man...thing. A woodcutter, something really rugged like that."

"More like a florist," Mello muttered.

It was silent. Someone coughed.

"Okay. Get to decorating, brats!" Light said, clapping his hands. "Move it!"

"Yeeees, Q."

DNDNDNDN

Light came upstairs at the end of the day, full and looking forward to a private night with L. When he turned the corner in the hallway, however, he was met with a very disappointing sight: there was no door to their room. It looked the same.

"L?" Light asked, slowly approaching the doorway. "L, what were you working on all day? I don't see a door here. Did come up with some kind of theorem about hammering?"

"No." L was curled up on his desk chair. "I hypothesized that if I kept hammering, Roger or Watari would come down and have a new door put in because of the racket," he said, voice subdued.

"That didn't work," Light scoffed, kicking his shoes off.

"No, it did not. So I went to Roger's room, Light-kun. I went there to see if he was hearing the noise…" L shuddered and trailed off.

"And? Is everything okay, you look a little off-"

"Roger and Watari."

"Yes. They-Oh." Light grimaced. "No, they weren't-"

"Yes, they were." L didn't blink. This was probably the closest Light had ever seen him to crying. He shook his head vigorously.

"Oh, L, you poor thing-"

"You do realize that they are like relatives to me. Watari is like a father. He used to _spank_ me, Light-kun. He's a father to me, and I saw him doing _that_."

"Yes." Light bit his lip and filed the spanking information away for use at a more appropriate time.

"I am scarred, Light-kun. My sex drive has been reduced to zero percent." L stuffed an entire brownie in his mouth and turned to his computer. "Please spare yourself and do not let your mind wander," he added.

Light rubbed his eyes and sat on the bed to ground himself. "Well," he said finally, "the tree turned out great. Heh…"

"Good night, Light-kun."

"Good night."

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

**L: MP wants me to say that she loves all of you for reading. Exclamation point.**

**Light: (revs up chainsaw) Do I need to tell you all what'll happen if you don't review? Tee hee!**

**L: I will attempt to restrain Light-kun, and I apologize for his violent threats.**

Up next: Elves

Extra note from MP: Go see _The Dark Knight_. Now. Go on, get! Skedaddle!

**--Extra extra note from MP:** The next update may not come for a while, as Real Life (yes, I do have a life outside of FFN XD) is occupying me right now. Thanks for your patience. Please do not complain to me, and take a look at my favorites list to find some other (better!) fics to spend your time reading.

Thanks again!

-MP


	6. Tool Shed

"Well, I hope you are happy." L slammed himself down into his desk chair and glowered up at Light, who went and threw himself on their bed.

"What? Did the whole chainsaw thing make you nervous?" Light got a nasty stare in reply. "Don't _look_ at me like that! The tree is gorgeous. I'm going to be a gardener."

L gave an excruciatingly slow blink and intensified his patented Zombie Glare. "Does Light-kun know of a film entitled The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?"

"I…Yes, I think so." Light tilted his head to the side. "Why?"

"I believe that Light-kun is more than capable of becoming like the antagonist in said film," L said. He looked over at the younger man from where he was perched on the desk chair and raised what should have been his eyebrow.

Light's mouth dropped open with a disgruntled little sound. "You bastard! Is that the porno where the guy goes around and sees how many guys he can give head in twenty-four hours?" Light asked heatedly. "Because I've never cheated on anyone in my life-"

"No, Light-kun-"

"-and I can assure you that I would never want to do something so _disgusting_ and dangerous-"

"Light-kun-"

"-and contrary to what Mister 'Milk-Me Mello' says, I am _not_ a cock-hungry slut-"

"Will you shut your mouth?!" L exclaimed, accidentally ripping out a bit of his own hair in frustration.

Light's mouth snapped shut.

"Light-kun needs to know," L breathed, calmly throwing his hair in the trash can, "that the film I was referring to is about a serial killer with a chainsaw, not a man who fellates the entire male population of the world."

The brunet blinked. "Oh. Well, that's not as bad."

L bit on his thumb.

"I mean, being called a murderer is better than being called a slut. I would know."

"I am now proceeding to change the current subject," L stated, picking a large ball of lint out of his hair. " Now. Light-kun will tell me whenever Mello says something inappropriate to him. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, L."

"Additionally, Light-kun will not refer to my potential successor as 'Milk-Me Mello' at any given time."

"…" A pout.

"Need I repeat myself?"

"…I heard you. But it was such a good nickname and-"

"Lastly," L interrupted, "Light-kun will consent to sexual activity out in the tool shed, because I am slowly losing my sanity and we do not have any privacy in this godforsaken house."

Light snorted and stood up. "Only if you let me use Mello's nickname."

"I will not."

"See you later, then."

L groaned as Light walked out the door and went flouncing down the hallway.

"Light-kun is draining the life out of me!"

DNDNDNDN

Later that day, after Light had played "hide Near's antlers until he starts crying" with Tommy, the ex-murderer decided that he was done with little brats and he wanted to have some adult fun. That whole tool shed idea was suddenly looking appealing to him. _Very_ appealing, in fact. Gathering his courage, he went upstairs in search of L.

"Divided by the square root of the product of the previous problem would turn out to be half the…No, this is incorrect. This situation calls for several rather colorful cuss words."

Light clicked his tongue and stepped into his and L's bedroom, arms crossed. "L, who are you talking to?"

"Myself." The older man didn't look up from his notebook.

"You're talking to yourself about mathematics."

A nod. "Indeed, Light-kun. Do not bitch at me."

In response, Light just shifted closer until the detective finally looked up at him. L coughed, choking a bit on his hard candy. "Light-kun looks flushed," he whispered awkwardly.

"Tool shed. Now."

Light had never seen L move so quickly in his life: Before he knew it, L's notebook had been thrown out the window, his pencil on the bed, and the chair knocked over. Then his wrist was grabbed and he was pulled out into the tool shed at what must have been the speed of light.

"Ouch!" Light yelled at a sudden pain on his hand. He looked to the side and saw that he had pricked his finger on a nail protruding out of the side of the shed. He glanced around cautiously, trying to get his bearings, but couldn't see much as the shed was quite dark. He squinted in front of him.

"L, where are you?! I can't see you!"

"I am right here. Where is Light-kun? Are you hurt?"

"I hurt myself on a _nail! _This place is so dangerous and unsanitary!"

Light heard L gasp somewhere in front of him. "Has Light-kun had his tetanus shots?"

"Yes, calm down!"

"Are you certain?! Tetanus can lead to muscular spasms, a stiff neck, elevated blood pressure-"

"Shut up, L!"

"_Lockjaw!_ Light-kun will get lockjaw and he will not be able to eat!"

Light blindly threw a hand out in front of him and was satisfied when it came in contact with L's head. "I've had my shots! Can we just get on with this?!"

"Very well! Let us do this and get it over with."

"Fine! Come here!"

* * *

"…So then I was all, 'Nuh-uh!' and he was all 'Uh-huh!' and I was all-"

"Oh, damn. I lost again."

"And she was all 'He did not!' and I was all 'He did so!'"

"Lost again."

"And I said, 'Suck it!' But he ran away, and that was it."

"Lost aga-"

"Have you been listening to me, Matt?!" Mello barked at his friend.

Matt looked up and took a deep drag of his cigarette. "Sure. You and Vanessa were fighting over Tyler. You told him to suck you and he ran away. The end," he droned. "You still need to get back at Light."

"I know. Give it time, Matt." Mello began to stare outside, but jumped when a notebook landed on the rooftop outside of his window. "Shit!"

"Is the sky falling?" Matt asked, looking up for a second before returning to his game.

"No, it's a notebook." Mello reached out the window and grabbed it. The notebook had landed open with its cover facing up, giving Mello a look at what had been written on it:

_Death Note._

…Actually, it had been previously called "Math Notebook," but someone had crossed out "book" and had replaced "Math" with "Death."

Mello's eyes bugged out. "This is the weapon Kira used! L told me about it!" he said excitedly, running over to the bed. "You write someone's name in it and they die! Give me a pen!"

Matt grunted and threw a pen over at his friend, still not looking up from his game. "Level seventy-two."

"Thanks." Mello caught the pen and hastily scribbled Light's name down. "There, now…wait."

"Huh?"

"Hold on." Mello felt his heartbeat speed up as he watched Light and L go sneaking into the tool shed. "He's going to die!"

"No shit. Seventy-eight."

"He's going to die while L's…with him! I have to stop this! L will kill me!" Mello threw the notebook to the side and ran out the door. "What was I thinking, Matt?!"

"You weren't thinking at all, Mello. Seventy-nine."

The children downstairs cowered out of the way as Mello went stomping down the staircase. They watched as the blonde threw open the back door and ran out into the snow with bare feet.

"L!" he screamed. "L!"

"Ooh, L's out there?!" one of the kids said. "I wanna see L!"

"Me too!"

"Let's go!"

Meanwhile, Light threw his head back-

-and came into contact with a huge, thick cobweb.

"AAAAH!"

"Light-kun likes that, doesn't he?"

Mello stopped outside the shed when he heard the scream. _Oh no, he died!_ he thought worriedly. _L's going to go on a rampage!_

Back in the shed, L was just beginning to understand that Light's thrashing and screaming was not because of him, but it was the work of a rather nasty spider web.

"L, get off of me!"

"Light-kun needs to deal with the cobweb for another forty-four point eight seconds!"

"_It's killing me!"_

"Stop squirming, Light!"

"I can't breathe!"

Mello, after hearing Light's screams about his untimely death, decided to take matters into his own hands and enter the tool shed himself. He, with about ten children following him, slammed the wooden door open and opened his mouth to yell-

"…"

One of the children stepped forward.

"Why are they nakie?"

* * *

"…_THAT YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO BARGE IN LIKE THAT-"_

Light sighed and looked over at Matt. "Your little bitch is going to get it," he smirked. "L's going to slaughter him."

_"AND DISRUPT MY ONLY TIME WITH LIGHT, NOT TO MENTION-"_

Matt rolled his eyes and hit a button on his handheld. "It's Mello's fault for trying to kill you with that notebook," he mumbled. Light scowled.

"I only wrote that on the cover to play around with L a bit. I didn't think someone would try to use it. Stupid little slutface, serves him right."

"_-COMPLETION! GET OUT OF HERE IMMEDIATELY!"_

_

* * *

_

"L?"

"Yes, Light?"

"I've never heard you yell like that."

"I know. I am sexually repressed, Light-kun. I remain unsatisfied, and we still do not have a door," L said dryly. "I am afraid that my temper has been activated."

Light squeaked at that and shifted around. "Well, do you want to go shopping with me? I'm going to decorate the outside of the house, but I need lights. And a reindeer!"

"...I suppose so."

DNDNDNDN

A/N: I'm baaaaaack… This chapter may seem a bit short, but I'm using what little time I have to write, so plz make do with this. I promise I won't disappear for another three months! :) (The next chapter will feature elves, btw.)

**L: MP's extended absence has left me in limbo with Light-kun for too long. I am disturbed.**

**Light: Please review! Or Milk-Me Mello will walk in on you!**

Up next: Decorating


	7. Proposal

The drive to the store in L's Mercedes had been rough. L had insisted on driving so he wouldn't have to face Watari after catching his with Roger, and it had taken them an hour to go down three short streets. Once they had arrived at the little Christmas shop, Light had pushed his way inside and moved over to the displays. L lingered in the back and ate a piece of fruitcake he had brought with him.

Light was poking around through a display of glass ornaments when he saw L hovering out of the corner of his eye. He grunted.

"L, stop staring at me."

"I'm only waiting for you to finish shopping, Light-kun," L responded calmly. "Keep browsing."

"You're patient today," the younger man remarked. He turned toward L and the detective shuffled toward him, giving him a little kiss.

"…And very affectionate." Light tried to hide his surprise and turned back toward the ornaments.

"Don't hesitate to buy anything you'd like, Light-kun."

"_And_ generous," Light added, cocking his head to the side. "Hmm. Well, okay L! I'll make the purchases on the card you gave me."

"Excellent."

Light went back to his shopping, grabbing a basket and loading it up with ornaments, garland, and multicolored lights. He was about to grab a rhinoceros ornament when L's hand reached in and, with two fingers, pulled his wrist away from the display.

"What is Light-kun doing?" L ground out. His eyes widened when he saw the mountain of items his lover was purchasing.

"I'm buying a rhino." Light crossed his arms. "Don't tell me you have some ridiculous fear of rhinos, L."

"I do not, but I do have a fear of Light-kun becoming a spoiled brat if he continues draining Eraldo Coil's bank account." L put a thumb into his mouth and began gnawing away at it, clearly uncomfortable with this situation.

"But you told me to get anything I wanted!"

"Light-kun is delusional!"

Scowling, Light put a hand on his hip. "Okay, I'll put some of the stuff back! _God!_"

"Light-kun would do well to remember that I am not his sugar daddy." With that, L went slouching away down another aisle.

"How rude!" the brunet huffed to himself, slamming his items back on the shelves. He went prancing off down another aisle and glared at the Christmas candy until he saw L come up next to him.

"Where are Light-kun's purchases?" L asked blandly. He pointed at the near-empty basket.

"You told me to put them back!"

"I didn't mean to put _all_ of them back," L said quickly. He leaned forward and plucked a large candy cane off of the shelf. "Will Light-kun give me another kiss?"

"Not if you're-Mmph!"

Light was cut off by L smashing their lips together. He squeaked and pushed the other man off of him.

"L, don't kiss me like that here! We're in _public!_"

"Light-kun's disobedience is turning me off."

"Good! Stop being so pushy."

L gave a strange little smile. "Light-kun will learn his place in the bedroom later," he whispered.

Light, more than a little startled by L's mood swings, stepped back and glanced around, only to spot a very familiar tuft of black hair a few aisles down.

…_What the hell?_

"See you later, Light-kun."

Blowing off the man in front of him, Light headed toward the other aisle and saw L standing in it, examining a toy reindeer. He stormed toward his lover and stood in front of him, arms crossed.

"Why are there two of you?!"

L blinked slowly and brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Light-kun does not need to yell. What do you mean by 'two of me'?"

"I mean there are two of you! I just saw you on the other side of the store, and now you're here! This doesn't make any sense at all! You're such a confusing person, walking around and trying to make me lose my mind!" Light gasped and covered his mouth suddenly, taking a step back. "That's it! You're trying to make me go insane and admit to…to something I didn't do! Trying to frame me for something so you don't have to-"

"Light-kun."

"…Or you could want to take advantage of me later when I'm exhausted from thinking so much! You might take me out in that shed and shove me into the cobwebs again!"

"Light, please shut up."

"I hate spiders, L! And kissing me like that in public, it's no wonder you-"

"Kissing you?"

Light frowned and quieted for a moment. "Yes, kissing me. That was a _painful_ kiss, L." He watched as L's face contorted from utter confusion, then to anger. He reached out quickly, looking as if he wanted to hit Light but not having the heart to, and settled for flicking the younger man in the stomach.

"Ouch!"

"You are trying to make me go mad. Please remove yourself from the immediate area surrounding my person, as you are interfering with my emotional processes," L snapped, scowling.

"Fine! I hate you anyway!"

"The feeling is one hundred percent mutual as of right now."

Light stomped his foot, frustrated with L. "I'll take a taxi home!" he yelled, shoving his way out of the store.

"Making a scene does not help anyone, Light-kun! You can expect to sleep in the guest room tonight!" L called after him, but the only response was the door slamming closed.

"…That did not go well."

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

Later that afternoon, Light returned home sans decorations and took out his anger on the first person he saw. That person happened to be Matt.

"Hey, Light. Did you have a good time in the shed yesterday? Mels told me about it." Matt glanced up, but his smirk disappeared when he saw the fiery glare on the other's face.

"You and that _stupid_ game!" Light, in a rage, snatched the game away from Matt and flung it into the fireplace.

Matt's jaw dropped. "I was on level ninety-four…"

"I don't want to hear it, you lazy sloth piece of _shit!_" That established, Light went storming up the stairs and flung himself onto his and L's bed with a melodramatic flourish. He buried his face in the pillows and whimpered for a little while, until he felt a hand on his back.

"Light-kun needs to stop being upset. I'm afraid I overreacted earlier in the store, as I was nervous about something."

Light let out a tiny sniffle turned his head to the side to look up at L. "So I don't have to sleep in the guest room?"

"Certainly not. I would never want to deprive myself a night of your company, Light-kun."

Light sniffed again and smiled, sitting up a bit. "That's corny."

"I know." L smiled and diverted his eyes for a moment, before glancing sheepishly back at Light. "I'd like to ask Light-kun a question."

"Okay."

"Seeing as you're very dear to me, and I'm intent on spending the rest of my life with you…" L reached into his pocket and pulled out a little black box, "would you marry me, Light-kun?"

For a moment, Light really didn't believe that this was happening. L was _proposing_ to him?

_L never hinted at anything like this before!_ he thought excitedly. _He must have been planning his for so long…Holy God, look at that ring!_

"Of course I will!" Light said, beaming as L slid the ring upon his finger. "L, I can't believe this! It's going to be such a great wedding, and we'll have cake for you, and I can buy a new suit, and you'll have one too for once, and my parents will be there, and my dad won't be very happy but my mom will, and my sister will be so glad, and I want Tommy to be there too, and-"

"Light-kun."

"-and we'll have music, and food, and take pictures-"

"Light."

"-and I have to get you a ring too, and we'll have a honeymoon somewhere really nice, and we'll have a house, and we'll get a dog-"

"Please stop rambling."

"-and we'll be together forever! Isn't that perfect?!" Light clapped his hands together and seemed to be emitting rays of happiness. This didn't affect L all that much, who just sat there and allowed himself a little grin.

"I'm glad you're pleased, but I must be going downstairs now." L ruffled Light's hair and stood up. "Why don't you stay up here and see where you want the wedding to be?"

"Okay! See you later, L!"

"Bye."

Light, still surprised by this sudden development, opened his computer and just stared at it blankly for an hour or so, until L returned.

L did not look pleased.

"Light-kun, what are you doing?"

"Waiting for you!" Light couldn't hold back another smile, to which the detective merely grunted.

"How pleasant, to find Light-kun eagerly awaiting me after I made it clear I did not want to see him for the rest of the day." L dropped his shopping bags to the ground and shuffled over to the window, opening it. "I need some air."

"L, what's wrong?"

"I believe what is wrong is that you are in my space right now and I am not in the mood to bicker. Please remove yourself from this room," L ground out. He faced Light and gave him a dreadfully emotionless stare.

"But…I don't understand-"

"Light-kun, there is not much _to_ understand. Earlier in the store, we had an argument that led to our temporary separation as a couple. Therefore, you must separate yourself from me. Please leave this room."

"Are you breaking up with me?! What about-"

L's eyes narrowed. "Light-kun is manipulative, careless, and selfish. I do not need to repeat my request again," he said. He moved over to his desk and planted himself in the chair with a heavy sigh.

"But you asked me to marry you!" Light wailed, heartbroken. "Why are you being like this today, L?! Why are you being so mean to me? I'm sorry about the cobwebs yesterday, I swear! Just please stop hurting me so much!"

L was terrified when he saw Light dissolve into tears. He was even more terrified when he saw that his lover did indeed have a very expensive-looking engagement ring on.

"Light-kun, please do not cry; it is counter-progressive and very frightening," he said, making his way over to the bed. "Who gave you that ring?"

"_You_ did! Didn't…I thought you wanted to marry me!" This brought on a fresh wave of tears. L let his head fall back to look at the ceiling.

_What did I do to deserve this?_

"I did not give you that ring. Stop lying."

"L, if you changed your mind, just _tell_ me!" Light pleaded. "Don't deny that you gave me this ring in the first place! Are you still trying to get the Kira thing out of me, is this what it is? After all these years you still want to convict me, and you've been lying to me-"

"Light."

"-and you still hate me like you used to and you want to see me die-"

"Light-kun is one hundred percent wrong. He is acting like he is in a bad soap opera."

"-and you'll never love me! You never have! It's terrible because I love you so much, but you've been toying with me for years-"

"Will you _shut up?!_"

Light obeyed.

L looked mortified. "You do not know what you are talking about, Light-"

"Wait."

"What?"

Light looked down at the ring, then back at L's face. "Say that again."

"You do not know what you are-"

"That's it!" Light sprung up from the bed, apparently having recovered from his dramatic episode. "There's another man in this house who looks exactly like you, L! He speaks differently than you! He uses 'don't' and 'you're'. You never do."

"And this man kissed you in the store, I presume? He touched you and asked you to marry him, acting as if he were me?"

"Yes!"

L stood as well, seething. "He will face the consequences of almost ruining my only legitimate relationship!"

"Go get him, L!"

L headed toward the door, but stopped suddenly and turned around. "…Did you see where he went?"

"…No."

"Dammit, Light-kun!"

DNDNDNDN

"Oh, no!"

L looked over at Light. The sun had just gone down and after hours of searching, they hadn't found the imposter. They were currently sitting on their little bed.

"What is ailing Light-kun?"

"You really don't want to marry me, do you?!"

L blinked. "That was not me earlier-"

"I know!" Light said, visibly drooping. "But it just sunk in. I was so excited when he proposed to me, but now all I have is a ring and no L."

"Marriage is a complicated commitment, Light-kun," L explained slowly.

"You don't want to be committed to me?"

"I do not feel that our relationship is stable enough for marriage."

"Are you going to cheat on me?!"

L nibbled on his thumb and gave Light one of his 'know-it-all' looks. "Yes. I am going to cheat on Light-kun with one of the _many_ people lined up to have sexual relations with me. What a splendid idea," he droned.

"You don't want me?!" Light squeaked, eyes widening. "L, why do you hate me so much?"

"I was being sarcastic. Please do not be dimwitted right now, as we must hunt down this other L." L pulled a chocolate bar out of his pocket and dangled it in the air. "I will give Light-kun this chocolate if he quits accusing me of hating him."

"You never even say you love me! You just say you're fond of me, or that you enjoy my company," Light complained, ignoring the proffered candy.

"Light-kun is becoming irritating again. Does he expect me to serenade him, perhaps? To declare my love for him every five minutes to subdue his insecurities?" L asked. He let the chocolate drop and ran a hand through his hair.

"You're being rude!"

"I am attempting to find this man who is pretending to be me, but you are bringing up every possible problem that exists within our relationship. Please leave me to think by myself for some time."

"You're dismissing me? You didn't even tell me that you lo-"

"Right now I am not feeling such a thing toward Light-kun. I do not wish to lie, therefore I will hold my tongue. Please leave," L said, voice firm. "I will see you tomorrow."

Light bit his lip. This wasn't one of their average little feuds- this was an all-out fight, and L was being inconsiderate. The last thing Light wanted to do was leave the room when the imposter was prowling around looking for him.

"L…" Light looked over at the other man, but only got a blank stare in return. "Fine. I'll go sleep in the guest room tonight. Let me get my things."

L watched quietly as Light collected his belongings and stuffed them into an old shopping bag.

"I'll be sure to give you a call if the other L comes in and murders me, okay love? It may be a fun case for you to solve." With that, Light left the room, leaving L to glare after him.

DNDNDNDN

"Light-kun?" Light was awoken in the middle of the night by a hand on his thigh.

"…L? L, is that you?"

"Yes. I've been thinking of you."

_Oh no! It's the fake L! What do I do? He might kill me, or steal my shoes or something!_ Light thought, panicking. He immediately knew it wasn't _his_ L from the tone: when L was angry at him, he didn't sweet talk like this.

"Um," Light said awkwardly , "I was just about to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back, L!"

"Make it quick, love."

Light quickly grabbed his phone and rushed into the bathroom of the guest room, slamming the door behind him and text-messaging the real L:

2:27 AM: L, the fake L is here in my bed! come here and save me!! he touched me!!

Light sent it and got a reply within a minute:

**2:28 AM: I wish you would stop trying to get my attention, Light. I told you not to bother me for the rest of the night. I am trying to eat my gummy worms.**

**2:29 AM: when you come in here tomorrow and i'm sliced into ribbons, you're going to regret this!! come save me! i'm scared!**

**2:31 AM: Fine, I will come down there. If I do not see him in that room, I will be very frustrated with you.**

**2:32 AM: please hurry :'(**

L flipped his phone shut and headed off down the hall, feeling a bit tense about this situation. It had become apparent that Light was not lying to him, and L's imagination was beginning to come up with rather disturbing images about what the other L could be doing to his Light-kun.

_Light-kun is too panicked to effectively defend himself. I must go in there and perform a valiant rescue before he is harmed!_

"Show yourself!" L bellowed, sweeping into the guest bedroom and feeling a little like James Bond.

"Oh shit, it's you!"

L jumped as he was suddenly faced with someone who looked exactly like him. It vaguely reminded him of B, but knowing that Beyond was long gone comforted him. Presently, though, he was more than a little confused.

"Who are you?"

"Uh…" the fake L stumbled over his own jeans. "Uh, I'm L. L The Great, kind of like Alexander."

"Though I must agree that the parallels between such an esteemed conqueror and myself are uncanny, I fail to see how that answered my question. Who are you and why did you attempt to have sexual relations with my Light-kun?" L asked firmly.

"He's really good-looking!"

"Please stop stating the obvious and answer my original question before I feel the need to beat it out of you. I am unhappy with the way you have been toying with my lover, especially with the whole marriage episode you put us through."

The fake L smirked a little bit, but stopped when he saw L's glare. "Okay, but please don't kill me, L. This wasn't my idea, it was-"

"L! L, you've come to save me!"

Both Ls sent identical blank stares toward Light as he came stumbling out of the bathroom and over to them.

"L, which one are you?" Light asked, obviously distressed.

"I am," both black-haired men answered simultaneously. They glared at one another.

"Fine! Then I hate _both_ of you! Go to hell!"

"Wait, Light-kun!" the fake L said, stepping forward. Light immediately knew that it was the impostor. L never gave a damn when he would throw a fit.

"Aha! You're fake! L, get him!"

"How did you know…"

"L never cares when I'm angry with him!" Light stuck his tongue out. "Nyah! You really need to work on being in-character. Kind of like some other people out there-"

"Do not break the fourth wall, Light-kun."

"Sorry, L!"

DNDNDNDN

Matt groaned as he scrubbed the floor of the tool shed, shuddering when he ran into a thick cobweb.

"Really fucking brilliant idea, Mels, me dressing up as L. Ingenious," he griped to the adolescent next to him.

"I didn't tell you to try to sleep with Light, fuckwit!" Mello jabbed Matt with his elbow. "You ruined my plan!"

Matt accepted the blow and kept cleaning. "Well, I think it may have worked a little bit. You heard them fighting earlier, right? Now Light's _never_ going to stop pestering L about a wedding."

"I guess so. Let's just hope that doesn't happen, right?"

"Right. Can you hand me that broom?"

DNDNDNDN

"L?"

"I am attempting to sleep, Light-kun."

"Sorry."

"…"

Silence. Light snuggled into L's shoulder with a little sigh.

"What does Light-kun want?"

"May I keep the engagement ring Matt gave me? I don't care if he stole it," Light whispered. "Please?"

"I do not want you wearing another man's ring," L grunted.

"But it's mine! And I thought you gave it to me!" Light whined. "Please? It's the closest I'm ever going to get to marrying you!"

"Fine."

"…"

"…"

"L?"

"What?"

"So now that the ring's out of the way, do you want to just go through with the whole wedding? I'll do everything."

L sighed and shifted around a bit. "Light-kun is being a brat about all of this. Good night."

"Good night."

Right when L began to dream about giant gumdrops, he was awoken by an excited little gasp in his ear.

"That wasn't a 'no', L! I knew you wanted to marry me!"

"…" _Why does he always manipulate me into these situations?_

"Where do you want to have the wedding?!"

_This is going to be a disaster._

DNDNDNDN

A/N: If you guys are confused, then look for the L who speaks with contractions. That's Matt. He just has really good makeup on because obviously Mello's an experienced makeup queen.

**Also:** If any of you have a problem with same-sex marriage, I'd suggest turning back now and not complaining to me about it. The wedding's happening.

**Light:** Wow, where did this "wedding" plot development come from?

**L:** I do not know. I am unhappy with it, though.

**Light: **That moron MP forgot the elves again. She has them written into the next chapter, though. Be prepared, L.

**L: Please review! Or Matt will confuse the hell out of you!**


	8. Elf

**Update 6/09- PLEASE READ: This story has been discontinued as MP is too busy and doesn't write fanfiction anymore. Thanks to all who have reviewed.**

**----**

"Mister Light? Mister Light, please wake up. I had a bad dream."

Light grunted and slowly blinked his eyes open, propping himself up on an elbow when he saw that Tommy was standing before him. "What's wrong?" he whispered groggily.

"I had a bad dream," Tommy repeated with a rather impressive sniff.

"Oh, I see. What was it about, little guy?" Light reached out and gave the boy a hug.

"Near was running around with his antlers and making a shish kabob out of everyone!" Tommy whimpered, clutching onto Light's arm. "It was really scary! I-I woke up," he hiccupped, "and I cried and the others were laughing at me! Can I stay here tonight?"

Light shifted around to make sure he had clothes on. Affirmative.

"Okay, let me make room for you." The brunet managed to pry the boy off of him and he turned to wake up L.

"L, get out of here."

L snored.

"_L!"_

"I didn't give it to the dog, mommy," L slurred in his sleep.

"L, wake the hell up. Get out of the way!" Finally, Light gave up and just smacked his fiancé on the chest. That worked.

"I ate the potato!" L exclaimed, sitting up abruptly. Panting, he looked over at Light and then down at Tommy. "Wh-What…Why did you wake me, Light-kun? Why are you in here, Thomas?"

"Tommy had a nightmare about Near running around and spearing everyone," Light explained, deciding to save the potato discussion for a later time. "His roommates made fun of him so I'm letting him sleep in here. Get out of bed."

"I hope Light-kun does not think I am going to give up my warm place in this bed because of a child's overactive imagination."

"Move! I'm not making him go back to his room!"

"I am not moving out of this bed!"

"Fine!" Light heaved himself out of bed and turned on the light, heading over to their desk.

"What is Light-kun doing?" L asked dangerously. "Do not touch my belongings!"

"Aha!" The ex-murderer whirled back around and held up his prize.

"_Light-kun will not destroy my fruitcake!"_ It was the closest to screeching L had ever gotten, but the state of his fruitcake was not something to be taken lightly. He _loved_ fruitcake.

Light flung open the window and dangled the cake out of it. "Get out of bed or it's going out the window."

L narrowed his eyes. "Alright, I will get out of bed. Do not release my fruitcake," he ground out. "You are so unpleasant."

"You're selfish," Light snapped, closing the window and wrinkling his nose when he saw that L had been wearing his complete L-Outfit to bed. "And unsanitary."

"You are a bitch, Light-kun."

_WHAM!_

"…" Tommy, who had crawled into bed by that time, watched as L fell to the floor after getting beamed with a very large, very heavy fruitcake.

"There you go, L! You can have your cake and eat it, too! Why don't you take it out to the tool shed while you're at it?"

"Arrrrgh…"

Light got back into bed and turned the lamp off.

"Good night, Tommy, L."

"Good night, Mister Light."

"Ohhhh…"

DNDNDNDN

Mello paused in the middle of his current task. "Did you hear that big slam upstairs, Matty?"

"Nope."

"Oh. Never mind, then." The blonde grunted as he hauled his latest finding in front of the Christmas tree. It was a huge, plastic, life-like Christmas elf that he had dug up in the attic while looking for an L wig for Matt. The elf was clean, but had a very prominent disfigured eye that seemed to be bulging out of the socket.

"That elf's creepy as all hell, Mello," Matt muttered, watching as his friend struggled with the decoration. "It's taller than the fucking tree."

"I know. I'm putting a video camera behind it so I can record all the little brats when they see it." Mello chuckled and stood back to observe his work. "There. The camera's hidden in the tree branches, see? I can't wait to see Near piss himself when he gets an eyeful of this ugly son of a bitch."

"Yeah, well…I'm not getting involved with his one. Not after that L episode."

Mello turned around and rolled his eyes at his friend, pulling a chocolate bar out of his pocket. "You ruined it, idiot. I _so_ did not tell you to sleep with Light."

"The opportunity presented itself," was Matt's only explanation as he stood up to examine the elf. He pushed his goggles up. "Why, are you _jealous?"_

"No way in hell! You can fuck him if you want to, see if I care." Mello chomped into his chocolate and raised an eyebrow. "I still don't know how he didn't notice it earlier. You got lucky."

"Heh. I didn't get as lucky as I could have." With a little smirk, Matt pulled his goggles back into place and produced a pack of cigarettes. "Want one?"

"No."

The gamer shrugged and pulled out a lighter, but stopped when Mello smacked him on the arm.

Rolling his eyes, the blonde jerked his head toward the door. "Go outside and do that, man. L will castrate you if he sees you smoking."

A voice came out of nowhere. "Smoking again, Matt?"

"L!" both teens said simultaneously, turning toward the staircase. L came slouching down into the room. Mello, not wanting Matt to get into any more trouble, fumbled around for the light switch.

"Found it!"

"Mello, turn the light back on."

"Sorry, L. Um…I accidentally hit it?"

"I thought I had taught you to lie better than that, Mihael. Mail, give me the cigarettes."

"Shit, he's using real names," Matt whispered to Mello, who stumbled over to turn the light back on.

"Sorry, L-"

"_Good God!"_

"What?!" Both Mello and Matt jumped at their mentor's sudden scream.

"_What is that?!"_ L pointed at the elf. "What. Is. That?"

"It's an elf, L…I found it in the attic-" Mello started, but was silenced when L backed himself against the far wall and stared in horror at the plastic monstrosity.

"What happened to its eye?!"

"I think it melted-"

"I hate it! Remove it from my presence!" L exclaimed, shielding the elf from his view. "Mello, get it out of here! Burn it!"

"What?"

"I do not want it in this orphanage!"

"L, everyone likes it," Mello lied. "Sorry, but it's going to stay. I don't see what's so bad about it."

"I think it's awesome," Matt commented, cringing when L's glare turned toward him.

"It is not awesome. It is an elf, and I am disturbed by it. Matt, give me the cigarettes."

With a sigh, Matt handed over his smokes and lighter to L. "Here you go, Scrooge," he muttered.

L snatched the cigarettes away and went half-running, half-falling back up the stairs.

Mello and Matt stared after him.

"Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think L might be on drugs sometimes?"

"Yeah."

DNDNDNDN

Light awoke the next morning and felt strangely peaceful. He looked to the side and smiled when he saw Tommy curled up under the sheets and, not wanting to disturb the boy, slid out of bed and looked around for a long-sleeve shirt. He didn't find one of his own, so he reluctantly pulled on one of L's and headed out onto their little balcony, wanting this Christmas Eve to be a pleasant one.

That was not meant to be.

"L, are you _smoking?"_

"Light-kun!"

Light shut the balcony door behind him and stared at his lover, who (not-so-subtly) snubbed out the smoke and threw it off the balcony and into the snow beneath them.

"I've never seen you smoke! You had better not let Tommy see you doing that, or I'll break your nose!" Light snapped.

"I have smoked approximately seven point four cigarettes in my entire life, Light-kun. I am not addicted to it."

"You're always telling Matt not to smoke, you hypocrite! Some role-model you are."

L pulled the cigarette box out of his pocket and held it out. "Would Light-kun like one?" he asked dully.

"No, you smell repulsive!"

"No I do not. You think _everything_ is repulsive."

"Shut _up!"_ Light slapped L's hand, causing the box of cigarettes to go flying off the balcony.

"Oh no, Light-kun!"

L and Light watched as Roger, who was standing inconveniently underneath them, got hit by the cigarettes. The old man whirled around to stare up at them.

"_L!"_ he bellowed. _"Get down here right now, young man!"_

"Roger is going to kill me, Light-kun."

Light watched as L went slouching out of their room. He stayed out on the balcony and saw the detective reappear outside next to Roger. They appeared to be talking calmly until Roger bent down to pick up what was apparently a cigarette butt and waved it in L's face. L cringed back.

"Mister Light?"

Light turned around and smiled when Tommy came up to him. "Hey. Did you sleep well?"

"Uh-huh. No more bad dreams!"

"Good."

Tommy moved forward and peered between the wooden bars down at L and Roger. "Is L in trouble?"

"Yes."

"What for?"

"Throwing things off the balcony." Light sighed when he saw Roger dragging L back inside by the ear. "Hm. Let's get you cleaned up for breakfast, shall we?"

"Okay!"

DNDNDNDN

Just as Light was getting done fixing up Tommy's hair, L came slouching into the room with a bottle of wine and a carrot cake.

"Are you okay?" Light asked, trying not to laugh at L's red ear.

"No. Hence the wine, Light-kun." L took a swig right out of the bottle. "I am not enjoying myself right now."

"Don't drink like that in front of Tommy!"

"Thomas has seen much worse." L began digging into his cake. "Light-kun?"

"Yes?"

"You love me, correct?"

"Yes."

"Would you do something for me?"

Light turned away from Tommy and shot a look over at L. "Like what?" he asked suspiciously. "I'm not trying anything in that tiny bathroom with you, L-"

"Not that, though that would bring me great relief." L sipped his on wine again. "I need you to go downstairs and remove the elf from the premises."

"What elf?"

"You will see the elf. Please get rid of it for me. Light-kun knows of my fear of elves, does he not?" L asked impatiently.

"Um…okay, L. I'll get rid of it for you."

"Please do it immediately."

Light, not really understanding the situation, shook his head and headed downstairs, leaving Tommy in the room with L.

The odd pair sat in silence for a while, staring at each other, until Tommy spoke:

"L?"

"Yes?"

"Mister Light told me you two are gonna get married."

L blinked. "That is true," he said blandly.

"So there's gonna be two husbands?"

"Yes."

"I think I wanna get married someday. I like the girl that lives in room three. I think getting married would be good cause you get a big cake."

"I like the way you think." _Ah yes, I had forgotten about that particular benefit. I will be sure to make Light let me choose the cake._

"You're the best, L!" the little boy beamed. He jumped down off of the chair Light had had him in and went over to the bed to sit next to L. "Mister Light never stops talking about how cool you are."

L chuckled around his forkful of cake. "Is that so?"

"Yeah."

L leaned forward and took off the colorful Christmas tie that Light had forced Tommy to wear, flinging it to the side. "Not looking like a fool will make you more popular with the ladies. Light-kun is not being helpful."

"Thanks!"

"It is not a problem."

"L?"

"Yes?"

"Will you tell me one of your detective stories?"

L stared down at the boy for a few long minutes before nodding. "Very well."

DNDNDNDN

Light had gone downstairs and had stared at the elf for quite some time, not having any clue as to how he was going to get rid of it. He could definitely see what L didn't like about the elf; it made him a bit uneasy as well.

"Well, I don't know what to do about this."

"About what?"

Light turned around and huffed when he saw Matt behind him. "Nothing. Get out of here, you rapist."

"Pfft." Matt crossed his arms. "You were asking for it the whole day."

"You're an ass. Get out of here, I have to figure out what to do with the elf."

"What are you trying to accomplish?"

Light looked back over at the elf. "L wants me to get rid of it," he said. "I don't know how."

"Good luck." Matt barked a laugh and pulled out his video game. "By the way, you might want to take that engagement ring off."

"No, I like wearing it."

"Wishful thinking."

"Wrong again, Matt-o. L and I are getting married."

"…"

"We're _really_ getting married. You're invited, as long as you keep the game at home," Light smirked at Matt's stunned expression. "Can you pass along an invitation to Mello, too?"

"Uh." _Mello is going to implode._

DNDNDNDN

"…like usual, the investigation was a complete success. Additionally, I was allowed to keep the turtle keychain, which you will currently find on the ring next to my car keys. The end." Swaying a little bit, L gave Tommy a half-grin and took another sip of his wine.

"L, you're like Superman!" Tommy exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "Have you ever been wrong during an investigation?"

"I was wrong once, but it turned out okay because I met my Light-kun. Light-kun and I are very close!" L proclaimed.

"That's great, L. L, can I ask you a question?"

"O-Okay," L slurred. "Ask away…"

"You were talking about potatoes in your dream. What was that about?" Tommy asked, stealing a gob of frosting from what was left of L's cake.

"Oh…Oh, that was bad because it was a dream of my mother," L explained carefully. "I was being bad in my dream cause she wanted me to eat the potatoes, but I just gave them to the dog."

"You had a dog?"

"Yeah. His name was Moses." L's eyes misted up. "He was such a good dog, but one day he ate a shoe but the shoe was too big for his throat."

"Oh!" Tommy stifled a laugh and looked up when Light came back in. "Hi, Mister Light! L was telling me about Moses!"

"L, I thought you were an atheist," Light said distractedly as he dug through the desk drawers.

"I…I am the Church of L!"

"What?" The brunet turned around and got a good look at the other man. "Oh, you're drunk. That's just perfect."

"Light-kun is my favorite person in the whole world!"

"Okay. Tommy, go play with the other kids while I take care of L."

"Kay. See you later!"

"Light-kun!"

"Yes?"

"Will you go into the tool shed with me?"

"No!"

DNDNDNDN

"Hey, Nancy Near," Mello teased from where he was seated on the couch. He had been staring at the fireplace before Near had come in wearing his antlers. "Do you really think you're a reindeer? I don't know how you think you're going to become the next L. L doesn't pretend he's a reindeer."

Near let out what was meant to be a reindeer snort and galloped over to Mello, poking at the other teen with the antlers.

"Ouch! Lay off, Nancy! That hurts!" Mello kicked at Near's shins but missed. The white-haired boy kept bucking around with the antlers.

"That fucking hurts, Near! Knock it off!"

"Grrr!"

"Ouch! You drew blood, you little _maniac!"_

At that exact moment, Tommy reached the bottom step only to see his nightmare coming true.

"Oh no, he really is making everyone a shish kabob!"

Near stopped poking Mello and turned to see his new prey. He recognized Tommy as the one who had been hiding his antlers with Light the previous day. He charged.

"_Aaaaahhhh!"_

The pale adolescent chased Tommy around the living room until the little boy dove behind the elf. Near, slipping on the hardwood floor in his socks, went sliding forward and crashed into the elf antlers-first.

"My elf! Good job, Nancy!" Mello screamed. He rushed over to the ruined elf and didn't give a second thought to the fact that Near's head was trapped inside of it. "You broke my elf!"

Meanwhile, Tommy took the opportunity to slide out from behind the elf and rush back up the stairs. He slammed into L on the way.

"L, Near's stuck in the elf! He was trying to stab me!" the boy said breathlessly.

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" came the slurred response. With that, L went stumbling down the stairs and passed out on the couch.

DNDNDNDN

After a few hours of getting Near's head out of the elf, disposing of said decoration, bandaging Mello's cuts and coaxing Tommy out of the bathroom cupboard, the household was finally ready to sleep for the night. The children, though mostly doubting the existence of a magical bearded man who gave them toys, obediently holed themselves up in their rooms on the off-chance that the myth could be true.

It was silent as Light crept downstairs, wanting to get L off of the couch so Roger didn't throw a fit.

"L?"

"Ah, Light-kun?"

Light smiled and saw, in the dim lighting provided by the Christmas tree, that L was sitting up and staring at him. "Hi. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes, I am well. The elf is gone."

Light went over and sat next to his lover. "Yeah, Near crashed into it and cracked it in half," he explained quietly. "You came down here and passed out."

"I know. The elf frightened me," L whispered. "The alcohol was helpful."

"Good. Let's go back upstairs."

"Does Light-kun only have boxers on?"

"Yes."

"He looks remarkable right now."

"Come on, L…" Light sighed when L began kissing his neck. "Not here-"

"All of the children will remain in bed for the entire night, Light-kun," L mumbled in-between pecks. "I know you need to get this out of your system as well, and we still do not have a door to our room."

"Alright, fine. Let's make it quick."

Neither of them suspected that Mello's video camera was recording them from the Christmas tree.

DNDNDNDN

A/N: Thanks for reviewing!!

**Update 6/09- PLEASE READ: This story has been discontinued as MP is too busy and doesn't write fanfiction anymore. Thanks to all who have reviewed.**


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